My Binge Drinking Diaries
May 04, 2026
I wrote in my journal about my drinking for YEARS before I finally stopped.
Most of that time, I kept it completely to myself — the shame, the bargaining, the 2am spiraling, the waking up and immediately dreading the day I'd just created for myself.
I've been wanting to share some of those entries for a long time because I know what it feels like to sit alone with that inner struggle and think I am the only one who can't get this together.
You're not. And I'm proof.
The entries I read in this episode are from the month leading up to September 14th, 2021 — my last day drinking. They sound like this: I did it again. I knew what I was doing even though I didn't want to. I am now feeling so anxious and depressed and I'm beating myself up. They sound like someone who knew something had to change but couldn't figure out how to make it stick.
What I understand now that I didn't then is that it was never about willpower. It was chemistry. Decades of automated neural pathways — I am stressed, drink. I feel anxious, drink. I am out to lunch/dinner, drink. Willpower doesn't stand a chance against that. What changes it is understanding what's actually happening in your brain, and then building new patterns one situation at a time.
The morning after September 14th, I got on my knees and I stopped negotiating. No more please just let me moderate. I knew what I needed to do.
Eleven days later I went to my best friend's daughter's wedding at the Jersey Shore, alcohol-free, terrified, and fully prepared. I had a plan for what I'd eat, what I'd drink, what I'd say when people asked, and when my husband and I would leave. I made it through. And the journal entry I wrote the next morning is one I still go back and read.
That's how it works. Not one giant leap. Win by win by win. I had to build confidence in myself.
I always tell my clients — alcohol is the first domino. When that one goes down, everything else starts to move. Your sleep, your mood, your self-trust, your presence, your potential. But that first domino has to stay down.
If you heard yourself anywhere in this, take my free quiz at www.soberfitchick.com/amiquiz — no labels, no judgment, just honest questions. And if you're ready to talk, I'm here.
Email me at [email protected] or visit my website to learn more about working with me. Just science and support.
