Maureen (00:00)
Welcome back to Sober Fit Life. Before I introduce my guest, I would like everybody to think back to your own childhood. Think back to when you were first introduced to alcohol in your families, in your everyday living. Was it something your parents did when they came home from work? Was there alcohol served at the dinner table? Were there sophisticated cocktail parties that made you think that's what you wanted to do as an adult? I'd like y'all just to think back to that.
Maureen (00:29)
time frame. And long before kids ever have a formal conversation about alcohol, we were watching our parents. We were watching them celebrate. We watch what they use to unwind. Parents model how they handle stress, belonging, and fun. And today we're talking about those early messages and the idea that alcohol is it simply a rite of passage? Is it something that we shouldn't address? Or can parents help kids build real
Maureen (00:57)
Coping skills for life and have that difficult conversation around alcohol. So today I'm really excited to welcome the powerful duo behind the Parenting Shrink Wrapped Podcast. I love that name. Samantha Straub and Dr. Melissa Wellner. Sam is a parenting coach, licensed counselor, longtime educator, and founder of Teen Savvy Coaching. Dr. Wellner is a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and the owner of Annapolis Psychiatry. Together,
Maureen (01:26)
They bring such an important blend of clinical expertise, practical parenting wisdom, and compassion to conversations that families are navigating every day. So Sam and Melissa, I'm so glad you're here to have this really important conversation.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (01:41)
We d we are too. Yeah.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (01:41)
Thank you so much for having us.
Maureen (01:44)
Yeah. Well before we dive into these topics, can you tell listeners a little bit about your work, how the two of you came together to create parenting shrink raft?
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (01:54)
Sure. I at the Melissa and I have known each other for a long time, and our our relationship dates back to when I was the chair of upper school counseling at Severn School, which is a Napolis-based private school. And Melissa was making the rounds, having just moved from a hospital setting to her own private practice. And so she was introducing herself to referral sources. And so we have been sort of professional friends for a long time, but we became
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (02:23)
colleagues and then real friends over the years because I started moonlighting not just as a school counselor but also as a as a therapist one night a week at the same practice where Melissa was working at the time. So we've been dancing in each other's professional orbits for for 10 years. my my bag is really teenagers, teen savvy coaching, it may sound like I coach teens there, but I I actually coach parents of teens to help you be more teen savvy.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (02:26)
Ha
Maureen (02:52)
I get it.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (02:52)
And yeah, and and so I but I also spend half of my week now. I'm no longer in schools, as a therapist at the same private practice where Melissa and I met. So I as a when I'm a therapist, as an employee at that practice, I see a lot of adolescents and of course I co and and they're and adults too, and I coordinate with their families. And then in teen savvy coaching, my my business is supporting parents of teens and the topic of
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (03:20)
partying and alcohol and substance use and navigating how to communicate and set boundaries around that in a household comes up over and over again. So and so Melissa and I, we've got some overlap, but that's how we met and that's how and parenting shrink rep was born. actually I'll let Melissa tell that story. You tell you yeah.
Maureen (03:26)
Mm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (03:32)
Yeah.
Maureen (03:33)
Okay.
Maureen (03:38)
Yeah, I love that name. How did you come up with that?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (03:38)
So Sam and I have, like she mentioned, like really been colleagues for years now. and part of that has been the opportunity to do joint talks in the community. So I'm literally sitting in like Sam's kitchen after we've been working for an hour or so on a talk about teenage anxiety that we were giving to a local community in
Maureen (03:53)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (04:03)
Mm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (04:08)
the Annapolis area. And I'm like packing up stuff and I'm like, hey Sam, my husband thinks we should have a YouTube channel. And Sam goes, hey, I've been wanting to have a podcast. and literally that sparked everything. so we ended up, of course, like, I didn't end up actually leaving her house. We ended up talking and then go home and partways and
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (04:27)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (04:32)
Yeah.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (04:36)
Then meet up not long after that. We start throwing around different ideas and go, all right, let's come up with a cute, savvy name that describes the both of us, encompasses the both of us. and that's where parenting shrink wrapped was born. and we've been rolling now for we're coming up on two years this fall.
Maureen (04:58)
Wow. Okay. I know there's a lot to podcasting and with all your busy jobs that you have on top of that. This is a lot. But I it it sounds like you're a powerful duo and very needed. I know I talk with parents all the time. And I was really when I was preparing for this conversation, I was thinking back to when I was first introduced to alcohol. I'm the youngest of five kids. My brothers and sisters were drinking and doing other things and I was observing.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (05:04)
Yeah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (05:16)
Yes.
Maureen (05:24)
My parents in the 70s, they were having cocktail parties before they would go to dinner. I would serve little hors d'oeuvres. I thought that was the coolest thing. And it definitely logged in my brain that this is what sophisticated adults do. And later on, sure enough, I became a martini drinker. And that message was in my head that that was sophisticated until it wasn't. So I'd love to hear, you know, what.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (05:39)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (05:47)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (05:52)
What are the early messages you're hearing that children are seeing, observing, or being modeled around alcohol?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (05:59)
So I treat much younger kids than Sam does. So in my private practice, I will see as young as three and up. So I also get kids a little bit younger than Sam does, just by professional nature of the differences in what we do. and I think there is a very strong wine culture going on. that that's the cocktail party. That's the
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (05:59)
I
Dr. Melissa Wellner (06:27)
I'm gonna go home and have a glass of wine, or this is how I de stress. and I see and hear that message getting sent to kids very early on, even in elementary school. I've heard it in my office that it's like, mommy needs a glass of wine. That is not an uncommon thing that little kids are getting exposed to.
Maureen (06:43)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (06:55)
before the teenage years. And I think Sam can jump in and say more about the teenage and adolescent impact.
Maureen (06:57)
Right.
Maureen (07:05)
Yeah, what do you see, Sam?
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (07:07)
s same stuff. I don't I don't think any what what I see is a lack of a lack of parents sitting down and explicitly saying to their kids what messaging they want to have or communicate around out alcohol. in part because parents don't necessarily think they need to address this until it hits kids' social scenes. But but I would say just like anything that you want your child
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (07:32)
any value you want your child to internalize, you need to start preaching it and considering it well before the decision making and like well well before they face a decision around that value. So like if you have friends over to your house and your first remark is, Hey, welcome, can I take your coat? What can I get you to drink? Right? That's like, uh-huh, right. Right? Like like that's the welcome. Hi. Let me take your coat. Here's a glass of alcohol. And
Maureen (07:51)
Yes, and it is it is the first remark. Yes.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (07:54)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (08:01)
And like you, Maureen, you get an impression like this is just how grown-ups operate. And so so kids in internalize this inevitability that when I become older, I will drink because that's part of grown-uphood. And and that's not the case. There's plenty, I mean, here we are. We're on a we're on a podcast called Sober Fit Life, right? Like this is and you're a sober fit chick. Like not all grown-ups drink. And but before they before kids get to the not all grown-ups drink.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (08:31)
age, they hit adolescence where drinking changes. And the the the kids who are drinking or who are experimenting with substance use are also the ones come into school on Monday kind of like loud talking about it. Because the the kids who are like, I had a wholesome game of apples to apples in Susie's basement are not like, hey, get this, or dropping some sort of like cryptic Snapchat about that, right? They're they're not screaming from the rooftop what a sort of
Dr. Melissa Wellner (08:51)
He
Maureen (08:52)
Yes.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (08:57)
Heah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (09:00)
Basic but very fun weekend they had with their with their friends not doing anything high risk. The kids who are high risk are the ones who are dropping that. And unfortunately, and and or fortunately, but whatever you want to say, like part of the that's right. It that is that's an inroad to social status in middle and high school. So, and and we know kids are going to make decisions based on what feels good in the moment, not necessarily what's the right thing long term. So we have this like combo platter of.
Maureen (09:07)
Okay.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (09:12)
Popular.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (09:31)
Families who haven't given consideration to w how or when they're gonna preach this value, whether their actions before their kids need this explicit messaging, do or do not communicate the values they want their kids to have. And then they get into an environment where kids themselves, the echo chamber is the cool kids drink or the cool kids are are experimenting with substances. And if I'm not, I'm like a baby or I'm behind the scenes or behind the times. And and there's a lot of
Maureen (09:56)
Right. I don't fit in.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (09:59)
At that age shh at that age that's what matters most is fitting in. And developmentally adolescents care much more what their peers think of them than adults.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (10:00)
Yes, there's a lot of like pressure.
Maureen (10:13)
And can I share with you what I see on the coaching end when I'm coaching women in their sixties and seventies? That pattern is still there. They still want to fit in. They're still worried about what their friends at their book club will think on their in their boating community. That pattern is established early. So how do you talk to the parents who they themselves are drinking, but they they they want to have this conversation, but they also don't want to seem hypocritical.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (10:21)
Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (10:27)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (10:41)
I rely on the power of and. That's r I've I've read Melissa, should I say it? Should I like Yeah.
Maureen (10:47)
Yeah, love this.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (10:47)
You just go for it, Sam. Sam always has like awesome like algorithms and
Maureen (10:52)
Okay.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (10:52)
Okay. and and and please build on this, but the
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (10:59)
You you can it do you don't have to you don't have to pick all or nothing when you're working with adolescents. You can help your kid live in the messy middle of substance use. And so what that said, what you can say is these are the values we support. We support you spending time with your friends, we support you having fun, we support you relaxing, we support you doing things that aren't just academic and hard car hard driving, you know? And this is what we don't support.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (11:29)
like underage drinking because teens drink differently than adults do, or or we don't sub we're not gonna be the house that hosts parties. Now, that if you've got an internal and and kids will tolerate that by the way. And then they have to live with the pressure that those polls cause on them. Right. And and your ticket to being able to I'm now back to role playing playing, your ticket to being able to socialize with those friends who who with the relationships we support is honesty with us. Like if you want to be able to
Maureen (11:33)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (11:56)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (11:58)
Go into situations where there are risks that you will face. Your your ticket to that is honesty and a track record of solid decision making. That will that will give us, give you more freedom. The problem that parents face is what you just described is if they've got this internal, like, you know, devil on their shoulder saying, you know, how dare you try and preach that to your kids when you're overindulging and they see this.
Maureen (12:24)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (12:27)
You know, just like around alcohol or any other topic, teens notice hypocrisy and and if and if you can't change your relationship with alcohol for yourself, perhaps doing so for your teen is worth it. A lot of parents will will make changes because they're like, I know this is good for my kid and I would bend over bend myself into pretzels to to like do do right for my children.
Maureen (12:34)
yeah.
Maureen (12:48)
Right.
Maureen (12:52)
I find it's often eye opening for parents to start considering, I am modeling this. The kids are like little sponges. They are watching me. That's not always foremost in their brain until they maybe work with someone like you and start to realize how much children are actually taking in.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (13:09)
And I also think it's hard for people sometimes to ask for help because they might be very functional. Like they're they're holding down great jobs, like they're running the household, they're doing all the things. so it's it hasn't had enough of a negative impact sometimes for people to really be like hitting rock bottom to like be like, I need to reach out to someone like Maureen.
Maureen (13:35)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (13:38)
And get some help.
Maureen (13:40)
That's exactly the kind of person I work with is the gray area drinker who is health minded, works out, entrepreneur parents, nowhere near a rock bottom, but they themselves have a struggle with it internally, anxiety, not sleeping well. But also a lot of the parents are aware and they're concerned that wow, I want to put my kids to bed because I really want to have my wine. That's an observation I've heard a lot.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (14:00)
But I think what's really important too is like reducing some of the stigma around asking for help for stuff. you know, we expect our kids to do so, like come and ask for help. But you that's another thing you have to model for yourself. So if you're in this hypocrisy of I've got a devil on my shoulder and I've got an adolescent who's gonna start experimenting with alcohol and I'm sitting here kicking back a bottle of wine a night, you gotta
Maureen (14:07)
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Maureen (14:16)
Mm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (14:30)
Expect that you need to do some internal self reflection too.
Maureen (14:34)
Right. Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (14:35)
And and I would say n not just ask for help around substance use, but oftentimes the reason we're using substances is because we're tired, we're stressed out, we don't have the coping tools to manage the the life that that we happen to have. you know, there's it we use alcohol and it does a phenomenal job of exactly it does a better job than almost any coping tool of
Maureen (14:44)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (14:58)
In the short term
Maureen (15:03)
Which is the problem. It's a central nervous system depressant. It works fast. It's easy. It's mindless. So I just want to interject that. Yeah, exactly.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (15:05)
Yeah, yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (15:09)
Yes. Right. So if if that's the coping tool you're using, I have bad news. And this is what I say to parents and kids too, who are using substances as a coping tool. if that's an A plus level relief you're getting, any coping tool you institute in its stead is gonna be at max B plus level. But over time, the results of using the B what feels to your brain body right now like a B plus level coping tool.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (15:38)
Is gonna result in so much more enhancement within your life.
Maureen (15:41)
Yes. Yeah. That is so good. That is so true.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (15:43)
You gotta hold out for the long term reward, not the immediate quick fix.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (15:47)
Yeah.
Maureen (15:48)
And and you're trying to show your children not to always go for the quick fix, the immediate fix. And as you said, Dr. Wellner, you know, you have to take a look at your own desire for that quick fix. Well, you bring up such an interesting point though. How do parents set the boundaries and say, listen, I know you're going to parties, you might drink. If you if something happens, I'll come get you, call me. But on the other hand, I don't want you to underage drink. And and this would be a process, obviously. Like you said, it's an ongoing conversation. How do they?
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (16:10)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (16:15)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (16:17)
walk that line between setting boundaries and maintaining, you know, influence.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (16:22)
So interesting you bring that up, Maureen. The messaging when I was an adolescent from my own parents who are not drinkers was if you find yourself intoxicated and need help getting home, and this is before Uber, there was no app to jump on and get a taxi, call me. you know, not that they wouldn't be disappointed.
Maureen (16:29)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (16:40)
Right.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (16:51)
But it was don't get behind the wheel and drive home. That was the big message. I definitely heard that. I think there was definitely fear of what would come the next morning. but
Maureen (16:54)
Right. Right. And did that impact you? Did you hear that? And did you
Maureen (17:06)
Mm. Right, right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (17:07)
I think that's important. I actually think that's really important, Melissa, what you just said. Because Maureen, when you were asked when you were teeing up this question, the language you used, you said, Well, if if parents are trying to walk the line between, I know you're gonna go to parties and drink, and I don't want you to underage drink, I actually caution parents against using the first part of that phrase. And that is, I don't I don't want you to say to your parents, I know you're gonna drink, I know this is gonna happen.
Maureen (17:11)
Yeah.
Maureen (17:29)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (17:35)
I don't want sorry, I don't want parents to say that to kids because it reinforces the inevitability. Instead, you yeah, you can say, I know that there are kids your age who experiment with substances. I know it is not uncommon for kids your age to be curious about this. So you're acknowledging and you're not living under a rock that like this happens. But if you say, I know you're gonna do it, then it's almost tacit approval. And if you want to be able to
Maureen (17:41)
So good.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (17:41)
And it gives permission too.
Maureen (17:56)
Right.
Maureen (18:01)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (18:04)
retain your like I'm allowed to drink because I'm a grown-up, but you're not because you're not a grown up, you can't give tacit approval. And so any kind of communication of inevitability or endorsement does so. Mm-hmm.
Maureen (18:17)
Interesting. Makes sense. Yeah, that's so good. Yeah. And and under underneath this reason why alcohol can feel so appealing to kids and parents is because, like you just said, in the moment, it resolves either social anxiety for kids, or parents, you know, transitioning into nighttime or de stress or reward, all the things. so that's the heart of this whole conversation is alcohol as a coping tool, parents modeling it.
Maureen (18:45)
And then kids, I I never learned to socialize without alcohol. So for the first time in my fifties, I had to figure that out. How to get through this yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (18:48)
Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (18:52)
And that's another value to promote with your kids. Here's another reason why we don't want you drinking every time you get together with friends. Because an important skill that you're supposed to learn is how to do relationships during this age. Our mission is to help you have healthy relationships when you're an adult. And in order to do that, you have to figure that out now. And if you're always in an adult state of mind, and so are your friends, none of you are gonna be able to learn how to socialize and be vulnerable and authentic without some sort of like.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (19:22)
like drug in your system, which means that by the time you get to an adult, you're going to be twenty five years old, but your social skills will be twelve.
Maureen (19:29)
Right. Exactly. If
Dr. Melissa Wellner (19:31)
And it's bad enough we have enough social challenges with social media and cellphones and all of that. We don't need another layer on top of that complexity.
Maureen (19:35)
Mm.
Maureen (19:42)
Yeah. What I talk about a lot chemically with brain chemistry is every time you turn to the drink to resolve stress or discomfort or anxiety, you teach your brain that is the way to handle stress. You decrease your own ability, your own stress tolerance. And so you're doing that for yourself as a parent and then the kids see it.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (19:59)
Yes.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (20:00)
Well and Maureen
Dr. Melissa Wellner (20:03)
Some of the I mean, alcohol hits on the same receptors as some anti-anxiety medications do. so you're literally hitting the same exact pathway that, you know, people get a prescription for. And it's a prescription that's a controlled substance. So
Maureen (20:09)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (20:19)
Yes.
Maureen (20:21)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (20:23)
But that's not why a lot of kids would like a lot of kids will not be able to articulate that that's why they drink. There are some kids who are like, I go to a party and I don't feel comfortable and so I so I have a drink or two and then I can socialize. But many of them drink because it's cool, it makes them feel fun. There's like the memories that like there's wilder things that happen. it it just connects them with their friends. Like they don't they can't articulate. It's not until later that they look back and they're like, and also
Maureen (20:29)
Right.
Maureen (20:44)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (20:53)
This other thing was going on. They might not have the language or insight to be able to say that. So so if we are, we can't we have to use motivational nuggets with kids that are actually gonna be ones that they bite on. And what I mean is what I mean is like, hey, l you I mean, you can preach to your kids and you should. We want you to be able to have social skills that are independent of substance use and substances in your body, right?
Maureen (21:07)
Ooh, what does that look like? I wanna hear that.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (21:23)
Fine, but they're not gonna be like, well, I'm not gonna drink because my mom wants me to be like able to have make a healthy relationship with my with a future significant other in my twenties, right? That's not going to be motivational for kids. What might be motivational for kids in their teens is is the idea of if this happens, like we're not on board with it, and you know, and and you there will be some consequence. And the consequence doesn't necessarily have to be a punishment, the consequence could be you will lose our trust.
Maureen (21:28)
Right.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (21:29)
Ha ha ha ha
Maureen (21:32)
Ha ha.
Maureen (21:52)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (21:52)
And every time you go out, we're gonna be up in your business about it. Or if you have your friends over, I'm gonna be nosing through backpacks. Do you want that? Right? Like the th that actually is motivational for teens and and
Maureen (22:02)
Yes, I can hear that.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (22:05)
And it's like so effective. If you tell a teen you're gonna look through like their backpack or like their friends' backpacks, they'll be so mortified of you as the parent. And as the parent, it's like, I don't care what they think of me, like you know But you have to You have to be able to have that thick skin. You have to have a thick skin.
Maureen (22:15)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (22:19)
But you have to be able to feel that what Melissa just said, and you have to really be able to feel that earnest Yes right.
Maureen (22:25)
That's right. And I think a lot of parents are afraid of that. I I g I hear this in my own coaching, you know. Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (22:31)
Yes.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (22:31)
Well and you're not there to be your kid's friend. That's what I often tell parents. You're not their friend. You will build a friendship when they are adults, but especially as minors, you're not there to be their friend, you are their parent.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (22:47)
And their coach. You're there to be their coach who can be loving and caring and be on their team, but you're not supposed to get fulfillment friendship wise from being your kid's mom or dad. That comes from your social circle.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (22:58)
Mm mm. And that's why Yeah.
Maureen (22:59)
So what do you Yeah. Yeah. What do you say to the parents who are like, look, they're they're gonna drink, there's nothing I can do. you know, I might as well have parties at my house. That way at least I can watch them or make sure they don't drink too much or they're in our house. What do you say to those parents?
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (23:14)
Yeah. Well I well, if I was coaching them, I would say, What messaging do you think that you are giving your kids around alcohol? Is that the message you want to give them? You know, that's the and the other thing is what you do by relaxing those boundaries is you deny your kids the get out of jail free because I have a crazy parent card. And I think every teenager needs that card.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (23:37)
Like, I can't do this, my mom would kill me. And they'll be like, Are you kidding me? Your mom hosted. She was doing sh you know, she did a cake stand with us last week. She's not gonna kill you, right? Like that so so you your kid is at greater risk for be not being not having an escape hatch from high risk situations if you you know, if you if you endorse parties at your house.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (23:38)
All right.
Maureen (23:39)
Mm-hmm. right.
Maureen (23:43)
Right. Right. That's so true.
Maureen (23:54)
Yeah.
Maureen (23:56)
Mm.
Maureen (24:01)
Yeah, one of my clients just said she was so frustrated because it used to be enough to say, Well, as long as the parents are there, you can go to that person's house. But now there are a a lot well, I think there were always a group of parents who wanted to be the cool parents and have the party. So how do you talk to their parent who is trying to make sure they're going to a safe environment and yet they find out these are the like the party parents?
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (24:23)
I think that's one of the very hardest things to navigate as a parent of an adolescent. I remember when I went through that with my own children. And the the thing that that gets that becomes like a you you're at odds with is I like and oftentimes you like these parents. Like like these are parents of my child's friend. I like the friend. I like the parent. I want my kid to have a friendship with this person because like they're you know, they're a good friend to them.
Maureen (24:25)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (24:40)
Right, sure, of course.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (24:50)
And these parents obviously have wildly different values around this topic, at least. And again, you have to parent the kid you have, not the kid you hoped you had. And so, like the kid I hoped I would have, like I was a I was a kid who who in high school like there was drinking around me, but my friend group did not really start dabbling with that until we were seniors in high school. We were late to the game. There were plenty of other groups that were dabbling with that.
Maureen (24:53)
Mm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (25:05)
Ha ha ha.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (25:20)
And so I was, you know, kind of a goody two shoes. I mean, I don't know, like I I I wasn't a dork, but I certainly wasn't the fast crowd kid. And that's who I expected to raise. That's not who I got. And and so so when so my, you know, when my oldest friend groups when substance use came into the friend group, like towards the end of freshman year of high school, I suddenly had to have these like
Maureen (25:31)
Hmm. But what happened?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (25:36)
Definitely not with her oldest.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (25:50)
r value challenging conversations with myself, with my husband, and with my kid because he was going into places and spaces where alcohol or substance use was available to him. And I needed to make sure that my relationship with him was strong enough that he would allow me to be his coach and that he knew where my values were, which meant that I had to swallow certain like what I thought would be hard and fast rules around where he was and wasn't allowed to socialize. So it was a
Maureen (25:52)
Mm.
Maureen (26:07)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (26:19)
It was not clean. It was not easy. there were a lot there were I I mean, I have my hat goes off to a number of the parents that he is friends, you know, of his friends who with whom I had frank conversations about where I stood and they could say where they stood and we could retain communication. Like just it all went so much better because there was this foundation of authenticity at the ab at the
Maureen (26:20)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (26:46)
parent level and between me and my kid. And that meant sometimes I would learn stuff. And I was a school counselor in his high school. So like I knew all the kids. And I right. And he knew this. And that meant that he had a I I expected him to come home and tell me things and be honest. And he was, usually, mostly, enough for to satisfy me. I'll say that. And and then I could do nothing with that information. Right. I could do nothing incriminating with that information because I was walking this line between
Maureen (26:52)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. You saw a lot, yeah.
Maureen (27:06)
Right.
Maureen (27:12)
I see.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (27:15)
keep the relationship strong with my kid, keep him safe, live by our values. And and that meant that there I couldn't also be on a high horse about policing every other kid.
Maureen (27:28)
Right. Wow, that's an interesting position to be in. Yeah. So so obviously this messaging has to start at a very young age, then you're consistent with that, your values, your integrity, what matters, and you're there for them. And and you're also going to be the person that would come pick them up should they drink. But I I love how you're saying you don't start that statement out with, I know you're going to drink, because I hear that all the time. So that is such an important message. Yeah. That is so good.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (27:30)
Yeah. Yeah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (27:37)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (27:47)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (27:53)
Yeah, I I say stop right there. Yeah.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (27:55)
You you gave permission. That that that sentence right there literally grants permission and tells them go ahead and drink because you're just gonna do it anyhow. Like you didn't even open an opportunity to make a for the child to make their own choice.
Maureen (28:05)
Hear that.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (28:10)
Right. Good point. Because a lot of kids, there are plenty of kids who don't want to, who are scared of it, who have no intention. And and all statistically speaking, there's a the the monitoring the future survey, which I'm that was an annual thing actually. I'm not sure I I'm not I don't know if they've collected data under the current administration, but
Maureen (28:15)
Right.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (28:16)
That was me.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (28:37)
For a long time it was an annual survey, and what it showed was kids middle through high school substance use trends. And invariably children overestimate the amount of substance use happening around them because they're the loudest voices. And so there are lots of kids who who are substance free and make that choice. There are some kids who are substance free because it hasn't hit they haven't made the choice purposefully.
Maureen (28:46)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (29:05)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (29:06)
But there are lots of kids who make the choice intentionally to be substance free and they don't have a microphone.
Maureen (29:09)
That's good to hear.
Maureen (29:12)
Yeah, I mean, I will tell you when I stopped drinking as as an adult, I looked around, I'm like, huh, everybody doesn't drink the way I thought they were drinking. I thought everybody was drinking the way I was. No. Plenty of people were having iced tea at dinner. I mean, that was really eye opening for me. So you're saying the same thing on a kid level. I think that's very interesting. Yeah, to know.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (29:18)
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (29:29)
Yeah, if you ask them like what percentage of of high school kids drink, they'll say things like eighty. And the real answer is more like twenty five to thirty. And that includes freshmen through seniors. Mm-hmm. If and that would be like who binge drank in the last month. That that would be like that's the question.
Maureen (29:35)
Mm.
Maureen (29:43)
that's interesting and encouraging.
Maureen (29:51)
Well, I want to go back a little bit to the coping tool. So, how do you encourage parents to model healthy coping like when they're genuinely overwhelmed and they want to have a drink, but they're trying to model something different for their kids? How do you encourage that?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (30:08)
I think some of it's around the language that you use around it and the messaging that comes with the language. because if it's like I need a glass of wine, that's a very different sentence than I'm gonna have a glass of wine. Same thing's gonna happen. and it's not that a parent can't have a drink, but the
Maureen (30:25)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (30:29)
Interesting. Yeah.
Maureen (30:34)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (30:36)
I need a glass of wine, or you're driving me to drink because they're stressed out by their kids. That sends a very different message to a child than I'm gonna have a glass of wine. Or it's really in the language, and I know Sam's gonna jump all over this and piggyback because she's all about the use. It's the wording. It's the use of language and the words you choose.
Maureen (30:41)
Right.
Maureen (30:48)
Hm.
Maureen (30:57)
That makes sense.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (30:58)
No, I I totally agree. I there's nothing Yes.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (31:06)
Particularly when a kid is young, you know, they may not be able to articulate, but that messaging is getting sent. And when they're adolescents, they're hearing you loud and clear.
Maureen (31:11)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (31:18)
Yeah. Mommy needs her wine.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (31:20)
And and if you don't have the coping tools, if your if your internal message really is, I'd like to I'd like to say I'm just gonna have a glass of wine because because I'm here, but the truth of the matter is I'm using it as a coping tool. what you can begin by if if if you're feeling brave, and I think this would be a massive act of bravery,
Maureen (31:39)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (31:41)
I'm really by narrating, narrating what's going on for you internally and just stating it out loud and not expecting anyone to do anything with that with it, but just noting it. And you can narrate it quietly as yourself silently before you say it out loud, and maybe you don't even have to get beyond that, but it would sound like this. I can feel myself getting stressed right now. My inclination is to go pour myself a glass of wine. I'm having second thoughts about it. Let's see what happens.
Maureen (32:06)
That's so good. Your brain is always listening to you. So I love that narrating it, saying it out loud, even in a quiet voice. yeah, and I also call that lengthening when you can think about it and let me def not default to alcohol right now. Let me do something else. What does my body really need? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired? You know, go through the whole checklist and see if you can put off.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (32:10)
Yeah. Yeah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (32:15)
Yeah. It
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (32:24)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (32:28)
But that it that is something that younger kids can hear. Like you might not want to invite your your eight-year-old into your internal debate about whether a glass of Chardonnay is gonna do you right now, right? Like, but but you can say, my I've had such a busy, frantic day. My head feels so busy, I can't calm it down, my body feels like like it's vibrating. am I hungry, angry, tired? Like you that you can absolutely say out loud, and you should for your children.
Maureen (32:32)
Okay.
Maureen (32:34)
Right. Right.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (32:38)
Ha ha ha
Maureen (32:55)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (32:58)
And then if you can get that far, by the way, you're probably not gonna pick up a glass of wine.
Maureen (33:02)
Yeah, I agree. And that but that requires a level of mindfulness.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (33:03)
But also too thinking do Yeah. And what do you want what would you want your kid to do as a different coping skill? Can you do that coping skill instead? Like we tell patients all the time to go take a walk, call a friend, go exercise, go do this, go walk the dog.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (33:06)
Yes, yeah.
Maureen (33:10)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (33:14)
Because
Maureen (33:18)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (33:22)
Hug the dog, brush your teeth, yeah, all these things right, anything. Because it might in w in younger years it might not look like alcohol as the relief, it might look like phones and video games.
Maureen (33:30)
Right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. How so this segues perfectly, I want to ask you, what are the things parents can show kids when they're feeling discomfort, disappointment, anxiety? You know, th something that they don't to lean into those feelings, that those aren't necessarily bad, to be curious about it instead of I need an escape. How do how do they show them that?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (33:52)
I mean my messaging is always even verbal that like everybody gets anxious. and y you're hardwired, your brain is hardwired to experience anxiety. and actually the talk that Sam and I were preparing for that was before the podcast became to be, was just about this that, you know, you are all of our brains and you cannot change this.
Maureen (34:05)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (34:10)
Okay.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (34:10)
That was one of the topics, yeah.
Maureen (34:16)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (34:21)
are hardwired to experience stress and anxiety and there is a chemical and physical and emotional reaction that comes with
Maureen (34:33)
And and that's okay, it's normal. Yes.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (34:34)
And that's okay. So it's also often really helpful, like Sam was saying, like verbalizing as an adult, you're modeling then for your kids, like, I am anxious. So that it destigmatizes feeling stressed. Like stressful things happen, sad things happen. And you can model what to do with that then. So I think younger kids you need to equip them with the language. No, go ahead, Sam.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (34:43)
Yes.
Maureen (34:51)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (35:00)
Also we can I'm s I didn't mean to interrupt. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I th I d I d yeah. Yeah.
Maureen (35:01)
Right. Sorry. Yeah. Now I can see how you guys work together because you're you're working from the parent angle and the child angle. This is so interesting to hear how it works together.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (35:05)
That's okay.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (35:12)
The we do our children a disservice if we don't give them emotional vocabulary, because then when they have an emotion and they have an experience internally and it's confusing or big or overwhelming, which it's gonna be if at some point, like maybe once a week, or if you're eleven once every 10 minutes. you know, you know, the if if your kids don't know how to contextualize what's happening, they then they don't know what coping skill to pull from their toolbox.
Maureen (35:28)
Yeah.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (35:28)
Ha ha.
Maureen (35:36)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (35:41)
And so if you grew up in a household where there wasn't a lot of emotional chatter, and plenty of us did, you know, yeah, this could feel like foreign territory, it could feel weird, and you might have like three emotions good, mad, and okay. You know, like those might be the three emotions you know, fine good, mad, and fine. But there's this whole lot of nuances to all of those things. And underneath mad, usually there's sad, confused, hurt, worried, afraid, you know, just
Maureen (35:48)
Yeah, I did.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (35:58)
Yeah.
Maureen (36:08)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (36:12)
So the more you can label your own emotions within yourself and then verbalize them out loud, you do a couple things. One, you make emotions okay to have in your household. You make emotions okay to for your children to have. So they're not afraid of them. boys in particular, I think, walk in a increasingly small box. Again, there's just masculine toxic masculinity stuff going around, and good, mad, and bad are about all boys are allowed to feel like vulnerable.
Maureen (36:14)
Yes.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (36:41)
you know, confused, off kilter, w yeah, it's not. So so we wanna we wanna model emotional vocabulary. And so when you're saying what coping skills can we institute, that is one. Being able to notice your emotions and tune into them. And then if you can say them out loud, then and if you've got a good relationship with your child, then you're in a position to brainstorm with them. Well what what what can you do to bring that down a notch? Or do we even need to?
Maureen (36:42)
No, right?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (36:43)
So not it's so not fair to to young boys.
Maureen (36:50)
Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (37:10)
Do we even need to? Is this something that like, is your emotion the right size for the problem? Then all we need to do is deal with it. That's it. We
Maureen (37:18)
So instead of the parent trying to act perfect, right? So sorry, instead of the try instead of the parent trying to act like they're perfect and they have it all together and they they don't get upset or sadder, they're they're being real and and they're sharing. And then and then my next question would be so what are examples of dopamine generated things they can show their their child that they're doing in these situations? Cause that's what we're looking for, right? Is that is that feel-good neurotransmitter boost?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (37:18)
And sometimes it legitimately is. gosh.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (37:29)
Yeah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (37:41)
Yeah.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (37:42)
So our feel good, our built-in feel-good neurotransmitter is achieved it by exercise. Get your body moving. because when you exercise, you get your heart rate up. There's plenty of studies out there that show exercise decreases anxiety, it decreases depression. We're happier and we're less stressed because you physically got moving and
Maureen (37:50)
I love that. Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (38:10)
The physical reaction that happens when somebody kind of ends up in a fight or flight or in a panic attack, anxiety attack, where they're really overwhelmed, you know, their biochemistry behind that sends blood flow to your vital organs. Like Sam always talks about how it sends blood to your butt because you're getting prepared to run. So you need to move. And only way to get rid of that is to actually get up and move.
Maureen (38:24)
Mm-hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (38:31)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (38:36)
move. I always say you often watch animals like dogs, right? They shake it off. They get rid of their adrenaline and their stress. They're really smart. We don't do that. We keep it in. We hide it. We suppress it. We numb it. And you're saying the exact thing. Get get moving. What I find often is it's that moment in between, okay, I know I'm stressed. I know I want to have a glass of wine. Instead I should put my sneakers on and walk out the door. It's that pause in between those two choices that's the most difficult.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (39:04)
Also, that's kind of a lot of work for some people. And all and they might not be able to they might not have twenty minutes, they but you can sip a glass of wine while you're making dinner, you know. So so there's other ways to Melissa's correct that it's the right that's the best way. That's the that's the most foolproof way.
Maureen (39:07)
Right.
Maureen (39:10)
Right.
Maureen (39:18)
Yes. But it's not always the most practical in the moment. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (39:19)
The best way.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (39:22)
It's not the pr life happens. Like life gets in the way.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (39:24)
No, and so other things that raise dopamine, novelty, positive emotions, rel r relationships, connections, feelings, feelings of achievement, laughter, other things that calm the nervous system, long deep breaths. If you've got ADHD, throw that one out the door. Nobody like like you know, like people who kind of run run wired don't love that one. But just anything that throws a positive change into the works.
Maureen (39:26)
Yes.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (39:32)
Laughter.
Maureen (39:38)
Yes.
Maureen (39:41)
Mm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (39:44)
He
Maureen (39:45)
Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (39:52)
Even if it's a small positive change. or and and it can be novelty, even novelty in like a startling kind of way, like go run cold water and splash it on your face. Right? Put your hands in cold water. There's lots of ways to shake up how you feel. Change out of your work clothes into sweats and just see if that shit makes a difference. Often it does. Instead of pouring a glass of wine while you still have your your work shoes and your belt on and right, like.
Maureen (39:53)
Yes.
Maureen (40:01)
Yeah.
Maureen (40:13)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (40:20)
Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (40:21)
Go change your clothes. That's a five minute event, you know.
Maureen (40:24)
That's so good. Yeah, because we're looking to change our physiological state. And that's not what we say in our head. We don't realize that, but you're offering other ways, positive ways to change your physiological state in the moment. Yeah, that is so good. Well, this becomes so important when we talk about living in a community like we all do, where there's boating and parties and 90 bars that you can walk to.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (40:28)
Yes. Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (40:35)
Yeah. Yeah.
Maureen (40:48)
This town that we live in is an extreme, extreme drinking so social culture. And there's a lot of these towns all over the United States, right? But we are just familiar with this one. So, A, how do you talk to these parents who are quite literally modeling this behavior every weekend out on their boats and the kids are coming out? And when they get to a certain age, they're like, Well, this is my parents did. So I'm going to drink and boat. You know, it's everywhere. How do you speak to this particularly challenging community to your parents and
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (40:54)
Yes.
Maureen (41:17)
To your kids.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (41:19)
I I first of all I want to echo what you just said. I moved here not from this community and I was stunned the first Halloween that we went out with my children. And I was like, those wagons are not for candy. Those wagons are like party wagons that their parents are bringing alcohol around on trick-or-treating night. I was stunned. And now I'm not, I've just that's just what happens here.
Maureen (41:27)
Yeah.
Maureen (41:34)
Right.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (41:35)
I
Maureen (41:42)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (41:43)
I would say it was a little bit of I'm not from here either, Maureen. And to me it was like wild. And I didn't grow up with parents who really drank. So I was like, what? and then also too, I think what kind of blows my mind is like every school function. So my kids go to the same school where Sam used to be the upper school counselor, and where her s kids attended and
Maureen (42:07)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (42:12)
Every school function there is not any school function for the parents that doesn't include a significant amount of alcohol.
Maureen (42:22)
Yeah. Hmm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (42:22)
Which I was stunned about when I moved here too. That was so so anyway, there's lots of amplification of what you just said. So how do you navigate that? God if I know. I mean, I think na you know, naming it to tame it, I think, is the be is a beginning by just saying, Hey, we live in a culture where you may have an out of whack opinion about what's normal. Like this is people who live here think they're on vacation on the weekends. And so they overdo it. There's it's
Maureen (42:27)
Right.
Maureen (42:29)
Yes. That's honest. Yeah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (42:50)
We're right on the water. There's a like ninety bars, right? So you I just want you to know your view of what is normal and typical may be utterly skewed because you haven't lived anywhere else. That you can say.
Maureen (43:01)
Right. That's that's true.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (43:03)
That you can definitely say and I also think too it does come back to them modeling. Like, what do you do and how do you handle that as a parent? And that doesn't mean that every event I've ever attended where there's alcohol, I never had a drink. But I'm also not getting drunk in front of my children.
Maureen (43:07)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (43:23)
Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean when I moved here from the Eastern Shore, the my drinking ramped up significantly because I'm like, I could just walk to the bars, you know. And and I and I wasn't the only one. There's a whole massive drinking culture here. And I actually had a group that I was running and two of the people from out of state, it was a virtual group that we did for six weeks. And those two individuals, everybody else, everybody else was from here.
Maureen (43:52)
Those two individuals reached out to me separately and said, I don't think I could live in your town. W when they heard the stories of, yeah.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (43:57)
too too high risk.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (44:00)
But I will also say, Maureen, and as a middle-aged, you know, female who's 40 years old, like there are times where I still feel uncomfortable because I'm out with at an event and I am the only person without a glass of alcohol in my hand. And like some of that like self-consciousness that our kids feel, like, I still have those thoughts at 40 sometimes.
Maureen (44:21)
Right.
Maureen (44:25)
Sure. And I'm I'm telling I work with women in their seventies who around here have those thoughts. And me as a person who was very much a party girl and pulled out of it, I have those thoughts, right? So I'm always working through that. but I I don't want to self-sabotage. I want to choose what's best for my health, my longevity, my brain. You know, we can go into all those things. But especially if you're trying to model for your kids in this culture, you know, that boating and alcohol don't
Maureen (44:52)
necessarily go together. There's that statement again, right? That you're saying to not present it that way. you know, when you actually think about the craziness of boating on the water and drinking, you know, it's a danger. Right.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (44:57)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (45:03)
Like and like if you can get pulled over for drinking while driving a vehicle, how is a boat any different? I I mean, that's massive risk taking that you're l basically telling your kids is okay.
Maureen (45:09)
Right.
Maureen (45:16)
Yeah. Yeah. So how do you help children feel confident in this kind of an environment and and yet not be overly controlling as a parent, but also not naive and walk this whole line we're talking about you're not their friend, you're their coach. How do you like what's the if they could walk away with three things, what would you say?
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (45:33)
I I think you have to zoom out.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (45:36)
One of the things I would say is zoom out and focus not just on the topic of alcohol, but what are you what skills are you giving your kid around that build resilience and decision making in every area of their life? And those include the ability to do hard things and and have have a feeling of self-efficacy, which is like I c it's very likely that if I give something a try, it's gonna turn out okay. That's what self-efficacy is. And so
Maureen (45:46)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (45:55)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (46:04)
and that comes from giving things a try and sometimes failing, but sometimes not. So allowing your children to have age-appropriate struggle and of course celebrating the successes that come from that too. I think resilience building around every area of life, not just substance use, I think is a key component.
Maureen (46:23)
Right. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah, Melissa, what would you say? Mm-hmm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (46:26)
It we're it's it's about life skills. I agree with Sam, like a hundred percent. It's you're you know, we end every podcast episode about raising the next generation of world changers. So what do you want for that? And how does that actually happen? And it is when you take that like crazy zoomed out view of, you know, what do I want this kid, young adult, adolescent, to step into adulthood with? And what do they need to survive in the world?
Maureen (46:40)
Mm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (46:56)
and it's those values and those morals and you need resilience. Life isn't easy. Everybody faces their own challenges. Life is not easy. and showing them that there isn't a quick fix when there's a problem at hand and modeling that in all different things. It's not only substances.
Maureen (47:02)
Mm-hmm. Life is not easy.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (47:18)
And I would add relationship building. What we know statistically is that kids who have strong relationships with their parents are at much lower risk for high-risk substance use, for hell unhealthy dating relationships, for sexual assault. Like these are so so if you have if you don't know how to create an authentic relationship with your kid, and I don't mean, my kid listens to me, they ought they accept my guidance.
Maureen (47:33)
Mm.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (47:43)
Ha ha ha.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (47:45)
No, and there's some kids who accept their parents' guidance, but they don't actually have a like they they don't they don't feel known by their parent or they don't feel like they really know their parent. What I'm talking about that second one. Like, like, can you be both a guide and a launch pad and a landing pad? It's the landing pad part that we have to work on with our kids too. Like they need to be able to come back to you and trust that that that you've got them. And and there are ways to do that, but we don't have time to talk about that on this.
Maureen (48:05)
Mm.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (48:14)
This podcast, but yeah.
Maureen (48:14)
I know. Yeah, I could continue this conversation, but I thank you so much. I mean, this conversation gives parents something far more useful than fear or guilt or do nothing. It gives them awareness and language. And I know some people are listening saying, How do I get in touch with Melissa and Sam? So can you tell us a little bit about yourselves? And I know you have an offer to to talk about. so can you go ahead and share that about yourself?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (48:14)
S.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (48:40)
Sure. as I mentioned, I'm Sam, and my business is called Teen Savvy Coaching. You can find me at teensavvy coaching.com. And I have a free resource if you go to my website. It's it it's called How to Have a You Screwed Up Conversation with Your Teen. And if you choose, if you download that guide, it you will get a video series from me called The Loved Framework, in which I outline five steps you can take immediately to
Dr. Melissa Wellner (48:40)
Go ahead.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (49:07)
To create the kind of connection I just mentioned, even during a confrontation. So it's how to have a confrontation that's also connection building.
Maureen (49:11)
That is so
Maureen (49:14)
That sounds like a very useful resource. That'll be in our show notes. And Doctor Melissa, what would you like to share?
Dr. Melissa Wellner (49:19)
So if you want to get in touch with me, my business is Annapolis Psychiatry, and I can be found at Naplas Psychiatry.com. And then for parenting shrink wrap, Sam and I have many, many episodes on a variety of parenting topics, with a variety of guests, and we do have other stuff surrounding substance use, but honestly, all sorts of different topics are out there.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (49:47)
And we are available on all the major podcast platforms. We're also on YouTube. So if you look up parenting shrink wrap, you will find us. And if you guys have if anybody has a question for Sam and I or a topic that they would like more information on, they can reach us at parentingshrap at gmail.com.
Maureen (50:06)
Yeah, check out parenting shrink wrapped and thank you so much for coming on Sober Fit Life. This was a great conversation.
Sam Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach (50:13)
Agreed. Thank you for having us, Maureen.
Dr. Melissa Wellner (50:14)
Great, thank you, Maureen.
