Maureen (00:01.356)
Welcome back to Sober Fit Life. Today I want to pose a question to you. And it actually came from a woman in one of my groups. And it was so interesting when she asked it because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I wish I had asked this question of myself earlier when I was drinking. She said in the group, I ask myself, why am I working so hard to keep this substance, alcohol, in my life?
And I thought, wow, that is such a good question. Because most people, including myself, when I was drinking, we are not asking that question. Most people are asking, how can I drink less? How can I moderate better? How can I only drink on the weekends? How can I have wine with dinner without going too far? Just one glass. How can I keep the fun part and get rid of the consequences? So many, you know, mental gymnastics, asking those kind of questions.
really working hard to figure out how I can keep alcohol in my life. And it's really an interesting question to pose to yourself. So I'd love for you guys to do that. Write it down, think about it. But we'll talk about, you know, why this question matters. It matters because if you could ask yourself with honesty this question, it will interrupt the negotiation cycle.
That you have either every night or every weekend, like I did, and the constant mental real estate. You hear me say that word a lot, how much space it takes up in our brain. Because it's really a lot of management. We spend a lot of years, decades in many cases, managing alcohol, you know, focusing on the rules, the rules we make for ourselves and and often break.
Instead of asking, well, why is this substance so important to me? How come I want to protect it so much? I actually defend it. That's a really interesting question. And it shifts the conversation to honesty. You know, if you're willing to be honest with yourself, I say, Wow, I really feel protective over this substance. I mean, I used to get annoyed, you know, if my husband would say,
Maureen (02:28.715)
We need a strategy when we go out tonight. I would get annoyed. You know, I would defend my alcohol, my drinking. Why? I mean, now I can answer that question, but back then I I didn't want to hear it.
So the question that can change everything is not how can I control this, but what if it is why am I fighting so hard to keep it? And so just jot that down, think about it. So let's start by naming the alcohol negotiation cycle. I like to call it the detox, retox cycle because we go through this. I'm not gonna have any more alcohol. I'm not gonna drink for a few days. I won't do that again. I'll only have red, not white, only beer, not liquor, right?
And it's a negotiation cycle and we take maybe a few days, especially gray area drinkers. We take a break. We could take a month even. So there's the detox. And then we're like, you know, fading effect bias kicks in. I'm being too hard on myself. Everybody else drinks. I could probably just have one now. And we retox, right? We go back into drinking and very quickly it ramps right back up. Because the truth is alcohol requires way more management.
Then we want to admit. Now, in my groups, it's so amazing when you start seeing this like the light bulb go off. And they're like, wow, I really think about drinking so much more than I realized. You know, you start thinking about three o'clock in the afternoon. Hmm, I think I'm gonna have a drink when I get home. I wonder if I have anything at home. Maybe I have to stop at the store. maybe I shouldn't. I said I wasn't going to, right? So the negotiation begins. And then you have the drink. I'm just gonna have one.
And then you're like, well, that was a really small glass. So I'll just have another. I deserve it. You know, on Monday, I'll start not drinking that much. So you're in the cycle of negotiation. Then you wake up at three in the morning recognizing, man, I did it again. I did it again. I drank more than I was going to. Now you're in the beating yourself up part of the negotiation cycle. Right. And the next morning, I won't do that again. I won't do it tonight. And then by three o'clock.
Maureen (04:42.593)
You feel like having a drink again. You're in the detox, retox negotiation cycle. And it's exhausting. The rules, the negotiation, the bargaining. Only on weekends, only two, not during the week. Our start again on Monday. The regret, the recovery, the mental health decline, right? The mental math. The constant wondering if secretly wondering, do I have a problem? Right? If alcohol requires that much negotiating.
You know, maybe the problem is not with your plan, but it's the alcohol itself. It's the drug that creates a desire for itself. So ask yourself another question. Is alcohol actually giving you the freedom you think it it gives you? Right. Most people think, well, alcohol gives me the freedom to relax, to have fun, to do what I want, and don't touch it, right? We get very defensive. But freedom.
Doesn't require freedom is not making constant rules, feeling anxious, regret, exhausted. Freedom shouldn't make you question yourself every Monday. Is that freedom? If alcohol is taking up mental space, is that freedom? It may be it's more about attachment, associations, conditioning, the way you were brought up. And it's definitely about brain chemistry as we talk about.
So if something requires constant management, is it really giving you the freedom you think it does? I'm giving you a lot of questions today to think about. Right. And I ask you to do it honestly, not with judgment or shame, but just be really curious, you know, from that perspective, that lens of why am I protecting the substance so much? Why am I working so hard? Because what are you really fighting for?
Are you really fighting for the alcohol? Most people are not fighting for the actual substance. They're fighting for, we are fighting for what we believe alcohol gives us. Right? Alcohol can feel like in the moment, short term, temporary, because that's what it is, but it feels like relief. It feels like reward, connection, confidence, relaxation.
Maureen (07:08.983)
How you transist from work to home, what you do after you put the kids to bed, a way to celebrate, a way to stop thinking, a way to stop feeling, a way to stop hurting, a way to feel normal, quote unquote, and a way to take the edge off. So most people are not protecting the actual drink, whichever your drink of choice is. It's we're protecting what we think the drink gives us. You know, which leads to, well, let's
Let's really look at the truth about alcohol. Does it really give us those things? Now we know it's a central nervous system depressant. It works fast. It does give you instant relief in the moment, but it's temporary and it has a backlash. And the more you do it, the more conditioned you are to do it again. So it has a big backlash. It's it's not neutral. It is not a neutral substance. It is an addictive drug.
And the way drugs work is they create a desire for themselves. That's how it works on your brain. I'm not adding any, you know, morality here or any any shame or judgment. It is just how drugs work. And alcohol is a drug. It's designed to create more desire for itself. It teaches the brain to want the thing that created the issue, right? Because you have dopamine dripping that's a motivating.
Neurotransmitter chemical that says, do that again. You feel anxious. Remember the last time you were anxious and you drank and you got that relief? Do it again. And you drip dopamine. And next thing you know, you are mindlessly pulling into the store and buying alcohol. You are mindlessly opening the cabinet and pouring the wine. You're mindlessly pouring the second and the third. And that is what happens. So it gets wired into our brain.
That this equals relief, stress, celebration, boredom reliever, connection. When it really doesn't connect us, we talk about that. And even identity for me, I was a party girl. You knew if you were going out with Maureen, you were going to get your drink on. And I took pride in that. Hard for me to say now, but I did. and and that was one of the things I was afraid to give up. Little did I know there was such a better identity on the other side of alcohol.
Maureen (09:34.978)
But that's why it can feel so hard to question it. And it's not a character flaw. It's so, so important. And even in my six-week groups or in one-on-one coaching, this is a point we have to go over and over because we've had it ingrained in us. Drink responsibly. And if you can't, then it's your problem. Guess who came up with that slogan? The alcohol industry, right? So that's why it's hard to question it, but it's chemistry and conditioning. You
over the years have made all these unknowingly, unwittingly associations with alcohol. I brought this up before, but I started drinking at 14. So I never learned to socialize without alcohol. And I'm socially anxious. Yes, I can talk on a podcast all day long, but in a group setting I get anxious. And so I never learned until my 50s how to do it without alcohol. So it's conditioning. And sometimes you have to learn
New behaviors or relearn or experience for the first time. So alcohol was never designed to be your therapist, your sleep aid, your stress reliever, or source of peace. It's masquerading as that, and we wittingly buy into that because it's quick and it's easy and it's fast, but it's an addictive drug and it creates more of a desire for itself. So you have to tell yourself the truth about alcohol and then.
Go back and ask that question again. Why am I defending this substance? Why am I working so hard to keep it in my life? And why do I express over and over and over again this is not about shame? This question is meant to create self-awareness and mindfulness, not self-attack, beating yourself up, shaming and blaming, because you've been doing that for years, right? And how's that been working for you? It doesn't work.
We know for sure any of your habit books, you know, atomic habits, tiny habits, they all say the science shows that you cannot have change, habit change, in the presence of negative shaming, beating yourself up emotions. Lasting habit change can only happen in the presence of positive reinforcement and positive emotions. So this question to ask yourself is not about shaming yourself. And that's a
Maureen (11:59.414)
neural half pathway habit loop that we want to undo as well. So this is not about labeling yourself. No need for that. It's not about making a forever decision either, right? Because that's something else that scares us and holds us back. I don't say forever. I just met a former client today in the gym and she says, I don't use the word forever. And I said, right. There's no point in that.
So it's not about beating yourself up. It's about creating enough space to allow yourself to consider another perspective, the truth about alcohol. Right? So you can ask yourself the question with compassion and honesty. It's not a shame question. It is actually a freedom question because the next question is well, if I wasn't defending it so much and I wasn't trying to keep it in my life.
What could be possible for me? What could be possible on the other side of alcohol? And that's where you start to shift your mindset from deprivation, which does not help with lasting habit change, to possibility. To what could be possible? Let me be curious. Let me try it. And that's why I offer these six-week resets for you to be curious and try it. I tell people if you want to go back to drinking after six weeks.
Nobody's holding you back, but but give yourself the gift of taking a coach led break with alcohol, learning about alcohol during that time, letting your brain and your body heal and start experiencing some of the benefits, you know, so that you can experience some of the possibility, like, less brain fog. I am starting to sleep well. I'm not as snappy with my kids or my husband or my spouse or my friends.
I actually enjoyed going to dinner and tasted the food. I've had so many clients say that when their taste buds start to wake up. So, what could be possible if you stop fighting so hard to protect alcohol? Better sleep, less anxiety, more energy, more peace, more self-trust. I was just speaking with a client yesterday and she's like, I realize alcohol erodes my self-esteem. So the the thing that we're choosing to put into ourselves and we're defending so much is eroding.
Maureen (14:17.259)
Our self-esteem. So you would get more self trust, stronger fitness, right? I talk about how alcohol affects muscle protein synthesis, the ability to build and strengthen muscle. Better mental health, 100%. More emotional stability, no more ending up in a puddle crying at the end of the night, saying stupid things that you regret. More honest connection, right? Not alcohol fueled.
Connection that maybe you don't even remember. Remember, we used to call it beer goggles? Yeah, that's not real connection. Less negotiating, less starting over. When you make that firm decision to either to take a break or that you're just done with alcohol, there is there is freedom. Sound it southern there. There is freedom in that, really. So what if the freedom you're looking for is actually on the other side of
Alcohol, of no longer making room for this substance, of no longer taking up so much mental real estate. These are all questions for you to consider, you know, and write down and think about. So why I use my own method that I've developed. It's my four R method. Four R's, right? So first you have to recognize, recognize all the behaviors, your associations that could have started.
When you were very young, and beliefs that keep the drinking cycle in place, the alcohol negotiation cycle. So you cannot change what you're still defending. So if you can step back and be curious about why you're defending it so much, you can start to recognize all the associations. And why is that important? Because then we can look at each one and ask well, is that true? For instance, that you can't have fun without alcohol. Is that true?
What if you could actually have fun without alcohol? What if that could be the true answer? And what if that were the only truth? What would life be like then? Right. So you start to open yourself up to possibilities and you replace alcohol with tools that actually meet the need that you need. So it's recognize, and then we replace. We replace all the jobs we've given alcohol, comforter, boredom reliever, stress reliever.
Maureen (16:39.711)
Sleep. A lot of people use it for sleep, and yet it actually fragments your sleep. So you start to identify, and then we want to replace. If you don't replace, you will go back to alcohol. It'll be your default. And then rewire, because I'm always talking about neural pathways, brain chemistry. You have the ability. They even show this now on MRIs. Dr. Lee Warren, who I love, his book is the life changing art of self brain surgery.
He talks about they can only actually show it on MRIs now. You're rewiring your neural pathways. You can choose the direction of your thoughts. So your first thought might be, I really want to drink right now, but you don't have to listen to that thought. You can say, you know what? Let me step back and think about what do I really need right now? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Oftentimes you're hungry or you're dehydrated or you're stressed out. And so instead of
Drinking and sitting on the couch all night, you took a walk, you did some stretching, you listened to a calm app, you called a friend, you ate a meal with protein, you hydrated. So you have to be willing to try those things, and that's what I help with, right? So we're gonna learn how to rewire your brain one pattern at a time in all these different categories of nutritional, of movement, of connection, of breath work. And
And once you start doing that, you build this toolkit, this toolbox. So you learn on your own how to recognize, how to replace, how to rewire, how to choose the thoughts you're going to listen to, because thoughts are things and they turn into actions. So you get to choose about the default action of drinking or the new action. So you're creating a new neural pathway of taking a walk, writing in your journal, calling a friend. So that's how you rewire. And then my fourth.
Are is renew renewing your relationship with yourself. First of all, you build your self-esteem back. Your identity, figuring out who you really are without alcohol. This is the biggest personal growth journey you will ever go on. And I will stand by that. I've I've experienced it myself, and it's been amazing, and it's still amazing. So you build back your self-trust, your health, your purpose.
Maureen (19:03.915)
your future, and you start to understand the and you really feel and believe truly that life can be very, very fulfilling without alcohol. So you are not giving something up. You are gaining so much more. You will be getting your energy, your peace, and your self-trust back. So my recognize, replace, rewire, and renew. And it's not, you know, I'm not coming up with new things. These are basic things, but learning how to identify, pause,
Employ these tactics, find out what works for you, and and then consistency, right? That always makes a difference in anything we do. Repetition, repetition, repetition. That's what you're doing with drinking. That's why it's so deeply ingrained. We want to do the opposite. So I just want to leave you with that question that my client asked out loud in the group: why are you working so hard to keep alcohol in your life? And you don't need to answer that today.
I just want you to really think about it. I I found that phenomenal that she asked that question and and I I realized how hard I had worked for years to keep it in my life. And I thought, you know, now I look back and I think, I would I would be the CEO of a big company if I had worked as hard at something else in my life as I did to keep alcohol in my life. So just really think about it with honesty. not because you need to make a forever decision.
Again, not because this is about shaming or blaming or labels or self-judgment, but because this question creates space for you to start considering another perspective. Space to notice that this cycle is exhausting. This this mental gymnastics, all this effort I put around alcohol. One of my clients
looks back now and he's like, I spent so much energy making sure I had alcohol in the house. I had it, you know, with me. If I went to a party, if I went to a dinner, I wanted to make sure they they had what I needed, what I wanted. He would, you know, go out of his way to go to the his favorite liquor store. he spent a lot of time managing alcohol. And
Maureen (21:23.487)
And now it's this is inevitable. Most of my clients are like, I feel like I have so much time. And you do. It's really eye-opening when you allow yourself the space to see what alcohol is truly costing you. Time, energy, mental health, relationships, physical fitness, gut health, brain health. We're all worried about longevity. Think about it.
Right? Why are you defending this substance that we know is attached to seven different type of types of cancer? Why?
Maureen (22:05.301)
It's a big question to ask. So that gives you the space to wonder what might become possible for you if you stop fighting so hard to keep it in your life. And you can do this short term experiment with yourself. I offer these kinds of things for people to try. And if you realize you've been working really hard to protect alcohol, please hear me. You are not broken. You are not weak. It is not that you do not have self control.
Or willpower. You exercise those things all throughout your day. It is your brain in the presence of a drug that you are repeatedly giving it. Your brain chemistry has to change because your brain's always looking for homeostasis. And that will change your brain chemistry and that will change your nervous system and that will change your reactions. You'll be a much more reactive person, a tired person, a brain foggy person. But it's not that you're weak.
Or that you're broken. It is not your fault. It is chemistry. And I say it all the time. It boils down to brain chemistry in the presence of a drug. And when you start to get that, you can remove that self-flagellation, that that shame, that beating yourself up and go, okay, I can make a different choice and I can start to rewire my brain, rewire my habits, renew a different lifestyle. It is possible and it's so empowering.
Give it a try and I'd be happy to help you. You can become empowered to change the drinking cycle. So if this question hit something in you, you know, if this is resonating with you, and you're like, man, I really do work really hard to keep alcohol in my life. I work really hard to defend it and protect it. If this is resonating with you, start with my quiz. Am I drinking too much? Just go to www.
Soberfitchick.com forward slash am I quiz, all one word. Am I quiz? Take the quiz. You'll also get a guide on what is gray area drinking, because that's often the thing that holds people like me and you back from changing our relationship with alcohol. We're in the gray. We're running businesses. We're executives. We're moms. We're dads. We're coaching softball teams. We're working out.
Maureen (24:30.559)
Yet we're drinking more than we want to and we're working really hard to keep a substance in our life. 90% of drinkers are in the gray area. So if you fill out the quiz, you'll get my guide to what is gray area drinking and three science-backed strategies to help stop cravings in the moment. Give them a try. Be curious. And if you're tired of negotiating with alcohol and you're ready to change your relationship with alcohol in a shame-free, brain-first way.
That is exactly the work I do to help men and women change. That's what I do in coaching. So you don't have to keep working so hard to protect something that you know deep down is no longer serving you. So if this resonated with you or you know somebody, please share this episode. Please follow Soberfit Life. That helps me get this message to other people. Email me, Maureen, at Soberfitchick.com.
Com, I answer all my emails. If this resonated with you, we can talk. You can always set up a free discovery call. There's no pressure. It's not how I roll. Just want to chat and see if any offering that I have or coaching fits you and can help you stop the negotiating detox, retox cycle. So write those questions down, give them a big thing, and email me if any of this resonated with you.
