Maureen Benkovich (00:01.004)
Welcome back to Sober Fit Life. And today we're going to talk about how to stay alcohol free, if that is your desire, without apologizing for it. And how to stop feeling like you need to manage other people's comfort and start protecting your own. I'm going to say something here that might sting a little bit for some and for others, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Sometimes, and I did this too, you drink even when you don't want alcohol.
Sometimes you drink because you're trying to prevent an awkward moment. You're protecting, you think you're protecting someone else's comfort or you think you're avoiding being judged or having them feeling judged. There's a lot of, you know, supposition going on there and imagination. So we're going to talk about this. I know this personally because I used to think I had this mind reading ability that I knew what other people were thinking about me drinking or not drinking.
and I sabotaged myself for years and kept myself stuck. A lot of times I drank to manage what I assumed other people would think or feel about me or themselves. So if you've done that too, if you find yourself doing that too, you are not broken, you are human. So we're going to break this down because this past week during my coaching of clients, I had three different clients.
tell me three different versions of this same sentence and see if you hear yourself in any one of these or all of them. My one client said, I didn't want my friend to feel uncomfortable, so I drank. And she hadn't had any alcohol for a year. But this particular friend, they were getting together and she said, I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, so I drank. The second person went to an impromptu dinner party and she said, I didn't want to be rude.
And the third client said, had an important business meeting with a very important client and I didn't want him to think I was judging him or I didn't want him to wonder if I was not drinking because I had a problem. So all of these all have a similar theme. And we end up drinking not because we're craving it, especially if you're actively trying to change your relationship with alcohol. We end up drinking because we are thinking we already know
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what the other person will think, and then we self-sabotage to avoid the imagined or unknown discomfort. And the bottom line is without a plan, drinking will become your escape hatch for any discomfort, whether real or perceived, whether it's yours or what you think somebody else is feeling. But with a plan, you can move through the uncomfortable moment on purpose, with purpose, build self-trust,
and on the other side, gain a lot of confidence. So today I'm going to break down what's really happening in these moments and I'm going to give you some coaching questions. So grab a pen and some simple scripts that you can walk into the next situation feeling prepared and not panicked and not end up sabotaging your goals if your desire is to be taking a break from alcohol, changing your relationship with alcohol and not drinking any one of those goals. So if you're like me,
Here's someone who looks fine on the outside. You you show up, you're getting things done, you're carrying a lot in your life, and a lot of people rely on you or you feel that they do, and you're very caring and thoughtful. This trap makes perfect sense, not because you're weak, but because you're wired to keep things smooth. You're always kind of taking the temperature around you and you want everything to run smoothly and everybody to feel good and...
you take this over responsibility on for managing other people's emotions. So it isn't a willpower problem. It's a thought awareness problem. I'm going to say that again. This is not a willpower problem. It's a thought awareness problem. A mind reading thought shows up like the other person will think I'm rude and your nervous system treats it like a fact because we don't pause to ask, well, wait a minute, is that true?
Are they going to think I'm rude? What else could be true? So pause, there's power in the pause. I often say that because it's true. If you slow down for a minute and you think about that thought you're having, you can reevaluate and reframe and head in a different direction with a plan. But when you don't pause, alcohol becomes the social smoother. Not because, you know,
Maureen Benkovich (04:44.085)
you're having this massive craving, but because you're trying to keep everyone comfortable at your own expense. So the thread that ties all three of those different reasons my clients gave me for why they drank, there's a pattern and it's all the same kind of self-sabotage statements. Alcohol becomes a tool when you believe it's your job to manage someone else's emotions, real or imagined. You are using alcohol as the tool
to numb that discomfort instead of pausing to take a look at those thoughts. You know, we have something like 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day and science is telling us that most of them aren't true, but we listen to them. They're automatic negative thoughts. Dr. Eamon, brain health specialist, talks about this. He calls them ants in his book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. Ants, automatic negative thinking. 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day or more.
and most of them are not true. So that's why we have to be mindful, take a break, pause and take a look at what we're telling our brain because your brain will think it's fact unless you teach it something different, neuroplasticity. Another Dr. Lee Warren said this, I thought this was fascinating, neuroplasticity is happening all the time, but we get to choose which direction it goes. So if we're constantly listening to our automatic negative scripts,
We're heading in the direction where we will self-sabotage ourselves and stay in negative thinking. But if we pause and mindfully challenge that negative thought, neuroplasticity happens in the other direction and we can change a habit, we can change an addictive behavior, we can change self-sabotage and build self-trust and confidence. So just know that you do have a choice to take a look at your thoughts.
In plain language, what we're doing is we're saying, I'm going to assume what you'll think. You're not even telling the other person this, right? You're just, all this stuff is going on in your head. And then we decide we're going to pay the price so that they don't feel uncomfortable. And that usually looks like you're keeping everybody else comfortable around you at your own expense. So the reframe has to be something like, it's not my responsibility to manage someone else's...
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emotions, real or imagined. It is not our responsibility and we can't manage other people's emotions anyway. So it's something is not true that we can control other people's feelings, right? So we put all this thought and energy into it and then we end up sabotaging ourselves. Instead, you can think it's my responsibility to make the choice. What I drink, what I say and how I show up. And here's the real
deeper truth. Belonging or connection that requires self-betrayal isn't real belonging or connection. So if you feel that in order to connect or belong with your friend or friends, you must drink even though you don't want to, is that truly connection or belonging? And you're not even really giving them a chance to show you that they don't care what's in your glass. This is all going on in our heads.
Right? So just really give that a thought because this thought loop, this broken thought loop, it's sneaky because it feels like you're being nice, you're being considerate. So a trigger could be something like dinner, friends hanging with friends, business networking or client meeting, all those things my clients mentioned. And the mind reading thoughts, the automatic negative thoughts sound like this in your head. If I don't drink,
The other person will feel awkward or they'll judge me or they'll think I'm judging them or they'll think I'm rude. And then the emotions that follow that are tension, anxiety, pressure, all this is building up in your head. And then the behavior is the self-sabotage where you drink to lower the tension that you've created in your mind and prevent an imagined judgment. What's the result? Well, short-term relief.
Right? In those 30 minutes, your central nervous system does calm down and all that pressure and tension that you build up in your head goes away and you feel relief because you drank because you're convinced the other person feels better now. But the long-term, you know, ramification is that you don't feel better. You don't feel better at all. You feel regret and your self-trust takes a hit and you feel defeated the next day because you drank again.
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and maybe you were on a roll, maybe you weren't drinking for 10 or 15 days or a year like my one client and now she's really beating herself up, which is unproductive. So instead what we did was we went through this pattern, this reframe. It's not her responsibility, it's not your responsibility to manage someone else's emotions, real or imagined. So write that down. Alcohol solves a feeling for 30 minutes.
Those 30 minutes of you know, feeling uncomfortable when you first walk in to dinner party or a business meeting, but it creates a problem for 30 hours, just that one drinking session. And truly the discomfort is much less than 30 minutes. Once the other person gets their drink and they're talking and you've ordered your drink and we're going to talk about how to do that, the discomfort goes away, but you have to go through the experience to teach your brain and your central nervous system that that is true.
So the other thing is friend hangouts. That's a big trigger. The client who is almost for a year alcohol free, she goes out with this particular friend and she drinks. Not because she wants it, but because she doesn't want her friend to feel uncomfortable. This is what's really happening here is emotional caretaking or over responsibility. In that moment, my client, she didn't choose alcohol. She chose I'll keep everybody else comfortable at my own expense.
And then the next day she actually ran into me and, you know, I guess I made her just running into me, made her want to confess, which that's not what I'm about. Instead, I asked her, let's take a look at this and think about your thoughts that you were having and learn from this experience. Don't just bury it or beat yourself up. Let's learn from it. And so the coaching questions, you know, that I asked her to ask herself and I'd love for you to write them down is, what exactly am I afraid of?
will happen if I don't drink. So write that down. What's the story I'm telling myself about how the other person will feel? Because it is a story that you're making up in your head. The other person doesn't even know you are having all these thoughts. And what evidence do I actually have that it's true? So think about it. Have you had somebody give you a hard time? Maybe it's happened to me, but very rarely. But really, what's the evidence you have that's true?
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Are you responsible for their comfort or are you only responsible for your choices? So I'll say that question again. Am I responsible for other people's comfort or am I only responsible for my own choices?
If my friend cared about my health, what would they want from me right now? If your friend told you they weren't drinking because they were feeling so good, they've been taking this break or, you know, their stomach feels better, their skin looks better, would you judge them? Now, we're not even getting into the issue of how you might feel about your own drinking. That's another episode. But if a friend told you they're really feeling better not drinking, would you...
think poorly of them, think they're being rude, which is what most people are afraid of, think they're judging you. Well, you might think that and if you do, you got to take a look at your own thoughts around drinking. And like I said, that is another episode, but a very important one. And the last question is, well, what would it look like to stay connected without drinking? So use one of these events, dinner party, going out with a friend, business networking to do an experiment.
Yes, I'm going to feel uncomfortable walking in, but I'm going to know what I'm going to order, what I'm going to say if someone asks me if I'm not drinking and when I'm going to leave. So you're have this basic plan and you're going to experience, can I connect without drinking? And we talk about tactics all the time in coaching and here's one you can always remember, just always ask people questions about themselves. You will never run out of conversation. Everybody likes to talk about themselves.
and what's going on in their life. And so if you're feeling uncomfortable without alcohol in your hand, try asking questions about the other person. So here's the big lesson in this. So how you say things matters. It really matters. So if you say to someone in this tone, well, I'm not drinking, I'm taking a break, you know, it's, yeah, I'll check in with you in 30 days. That person has an open door to go, come on.
Maureen Benkovich (14:09.741)
You're fine, just drink and that's all you're gonna need. But if you say, I am so good, you know what I'm not drinking right now? I feel really good, I'm taking a break and my stomach feels so good and I'm just starting to experience sleeping better and I really wanna see where that goes. Can you hear the difference in those two tones of explanation? The one is really sort of like, I'm not enjoying this, I hate this, I know I'm missing out, FOMO, save me. And the other one is,
I am doing great and I am really enjoying this and I'm feeling good so I'm going to keep going. And that's confidence right there. Fake it until you make it. Just give it a try. You can also say I'm taking a break right now but I'm still here for all the fun. And you just keep going. It's light and relaxed. You don't have to explain anything to anybody. This is where a lot of us get tripped up. We think we have to explain, you know, well I...
I got really drunk a couple of weeks ago and I feel really bad about myself and so I'm not drinking right now. Again, you're opening yourself up to a huge conversation where the other person is going to say, you're fine. I was there. You were just having fun. And how do I know this? Because I had that conversation all the time. So it wasn't until I got really clear on what I wanted to do for myself that I could stick to my desire not to drink. Don't look to other people to help you.
you know, to rationalize why you don't want to drink because they might not get it. But this episode is about you imagining and mind reading and thinking all these thoughts that they're going to think about you. And then the other third way you can respond and say this and how you say it matters is, hey, I'm not drinking tonight. Sparkling water is perfect. What's going on with you? Boom, quick transition. It's called a pivot. So it doesn't get awkward and you don't feel like you have to explain.
Just go on to, so what's new with you? Hey, well, tell me what you've been up to lately. You you just told them you're taking a break from alcohol. Tell me what you've been up to lately. Okay, give me the highlights of your week, right? Just pivot. So how you say it matters with the tone that you say it, with the energy that you say it, with the benefits that you say you're getting or what you're looking to get out of it and your excitement level and then a quick pivot so it doesn't get awkward.
Maureen Benkovich (16:28.673)
And just remember this, confidence is not a personality trait. It's a decision that you practice over and over and over and you develop that neural pathway. And I'm speaking from experience. I am not up on a pedestal saying, this is what you do if you're a person who wants to change your drinking. I did it. I went through it. I went through all of these fears, all of these mind reading things. I thought I had this mind reading technique.
fear of people thinking I'm being rude or I'm judging them or they're judging me and I stayed stuck in my drinking for years. But with each little step I grew more confidence in my alcohol-free lifestyle, more self-esteem, more self-trust. I can do hard things. I can go through discomfort and come out on the other side feeling really good that I stuck to my goals and that I focused on my health and that I was kind.
about it with the other person. wasn't preachy, but I was honest and I was authentic. And when you show up that way, you're gonna feel so much better about yourself and you're gonna build that self-trust. So let's go to that second example from my client. She said, I went to a dinner party and this one was kind of an impromptu. It had to do with the snowstorm and going to someone's house and snowstorms in themselves can be triggering, right? Fireplaces, red wine. well, we might as well drink. We're not going to work on Monday.
and I did a little Instagram story about that. you go to a dinner party and you think, I guess I have to drink, they're serving wine, they made dinner, I don't want to be rude, I guess I'll just drink tonight even though I'm really on a roll, I'm not drinking, I'm feeling really good. So again, you self-sabotage yourself because you don't want to seem rude. So what's really happening is this sort of I'll be the compliant good girl or guy, you know, I don't want to look like I'm being difficult.
And again, this is in your head. Those ants, those automatic negative thoughts. Be easy, be agreeable, don't inconvenience anybody, don't stand out. It's no big deal. You'll get back to not drinking tomorrow. But really, if you play it forward, you know there's many more ramifications than that. You're not going to feel good about that decision. But here's the thing. So drinking when you don't want to is not politeness, it's self abandonment and self
Maureen Benkovich (18:53.397)
So, clearly I'm speaking to the people that want to change their relationship with alcohol. This is who I'm speaking to. So, drinking when you don't want to is not politeness. It is self-abandonment and self-sabotage. Write that down. So, here come the coaching questions for this dinner party scenario and they're going to think I'm rude. Imaginary thought. Coaching question number one. What does rude mean to me and who taught it to me? Where did you get that from?
that that's rude if you don't show up as the quote unquote perfect guest. And does that perfect guest mean you have to drink alcohol? So these are questions for you to think about and answer. What would you think, would you think someone else was rude for not drinking if they came to your house and they told you, hey, I'm not drinking, I'm doing this break from alcohol, you know, I'm working with a coach or my gastroenterologist told me to take a break, whatever you want to say.
Would you think they were rude?
Only you know the answer to that question. And if not, why are you the only exception? Why would everybody else think you're rude if you don't drink when you wouldn't think that about others? So really give that some thought. What are three other ways you can show gratitude to a host for having you over for dinner instead of drinking alcohol that don't involve alcohol? How else can you show that you're grateful? And this brings in this interesting little
idea of gifts. Again, I said this in my last podcast, we've gotten kind of lazy. We just bring a bottle of wine, put a bow on it. How about get creative, bring olive oil. That's kind like the new thing, all these olive oil stores and it's much more useful and they'll use it while they're cooking and they'll think of you and that shows your gratitude. So give that a try bringing something different other than alcohol, how to show your gratitude other than being a drinking guest, which sometimes that doesn't end up so well, right? So if you
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want to show up at a dinner party and stick to your integrity and your desire to not drink, really go through these questions. Ask yourself, well, what is the purpose of tonight's dinner party? Is it to drink and get drunk or to connect? I definitely would show up to drink. And when I got really honest with myself, it was always an excuse for me to drink. I certainly wasn't connecting by the time I was on drink two, three, four.
I was not connecting. I was not there. So be honest with yourself. What is the purpose of tonight? Is that giving me an excuse to drink or do I want to connect with these people? Here's the big one. Write this down. What will future me thank me for tomorrow morning if I don't drink now? That's a big one. Keep your future self in mind. So here's some easy scripts. You can sort of write this down. Hey, everything looks amazing. This dinner looks amazing.
Thank you so much for having us. I'm not drinking tonight, but I would love sparkling water. And you'd have to practice this. So that's why I'm saying write it down. So you practice it. know, visualization, saying something out loud. If you do it a couple of times and you imagine the scenario of walking into your friend's house and saying this, when you actually do it, your brain feels like it's already done this because you visualized it. That's what professional athletes do all the time, visualization. So when they actually make the basketball shot or hit the golf stroke.
they have seen it in their brain and it doesn't feel new. It feels like something they've done before. So try it. Here's an extra tactic. If that feels just too scary to wait till the moment that the hostess opens the door or you're standing around the dinner table, then text or call beforehand and say, hey, listen, I just wanted to let you know I've been taking a break from alcohol. I'm not drinking tonight. So I'd love to bring a mocktail that I've been enjoying and I'll bring enough for everybody.
What could I bring? But that way you've already told them upfront and in advance. And again, you don't make a big deal about it. It's the tone of how you say it in a positive tone. I'm taking a break from my health and I'm so happy to be here. What's been going on with you? Boom, pivot. Just know that a good host, and you can think about this yourself if you're a person who likes to host, a good host wants you to be comfortable and a good guest is honest.
Maureen Benkovich (23:15.317)
with kindness, right? You're not being preachy in any way. You show up, you can bring your own mocktail, you can have your sparkling water. Again, know what you're going to say, know what you're going to ask to drink, know when you're going to leave. These three things will help you so much in any of these situations. Let's move on to the third scenario, the business dinner, the networking. This is a big one where a lot of people get stuck and they feel like I have to drink. This is a big automatic negative thought.
that you really need to run through the filter of, is that true? Do I need to drink to have this business relationship? Is it true? What else could be true? Are you not believing enough in yourself as a business person that you need alcohol to enhance your effectiveness? Write that one down. Ask yourself this. This client hadn't been drinking for months and he has an important dinner coming up with client he knows drinks heavily.
and he worries the client will judge him if he doesn't join in. So we've been working on this. And this is status pressure. Alcohol in business meetings becomes professional camouflage. You you think you need it to be a better business person. And I know for sure that was not the case for me. In this book behind me, We Lead, I shared, I had the opportunity to be a co-author in this book, a real honor.
For me, I shared a specific business mistake that I made while I was drinking. I did not show up as an authentic leader at all and I paid for it. So just know that showing up clear, present, all there, knowing your business, knowing what you want to say with that client, it's not the alcohol, it's you, the business person that seals that deal, that keeps that relationship.
Again, the only way you're going to know this is to go through the experience, come out on the other side, still having that client, maybe having made a really good sale or a really good point or had a really good conversation before they started drinking too much. And then you'll know and you'll build that self-confidence and trust as a business person. So matching someone else's drinking is not networking. It is people pleasing.
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in a blazer. So just keep that in mind. It is not networking. It is another form of people pleasing. And we're concerned that our own self, our own business acumen is not enough.
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And so here are the coaching questions. What do I think it signals if I don't drink with this business person? What kind of professional do I want to be remembered as? You can be professional without seeming like you are judging or preaching in any way because again, it's how you present it. I'm doing this for my health. I'm taking good care of myself. What's more impressive, being fully present or being easy to influence? That's a big...
question as a business person. So really think about that. And what evidence do I have that they'll judge me for not drinking? And if they did, what does that say about the relationship that you're building? These are questions again for you to think about, put some time into and journal. What would it look like to lead with the tone, positive tone, hey, I'm not drinking tonight, I'm just feeling really good, without explaining yourself, without apologizing. That's how we started this episode.
So here's some scripts that you can write down, things that you can easily say. Hey, I'm keeping a clear head tonight. I got a big day tomorrow. You go ahead. I'm not drinking right now, but I am excited for this dinner because I've really been wanting to talk to you about X, right? Whatever your business is. And make sure to the server and you can do this quietly on the slide. Hey, please give me sparkling water with lime in a rocks glass if you want to do that. A lot of times I get my mocktails and martini glasses because I want it in a fun glass.
And it's not about what's in your glass. And that's what you will discover. That's what I discovered. Once you let yourself go through the discomfort, be prepared, know what you're going to say, come out on the other side, trusting yourself. So to wrap this up, the tool is to pause, ask, is that thought true? What else could be true? Choose a different form of action and communicate it positively. So pause.
I'm not craving alcohol. What I'm really craving is approval, ease and belonging. Right? Choose, pick for your future self. What do I want more tomorrow morning than I want in this moment to be comfortable? And then you can communicate one calm sentence to your friend or to your business associate who you're networking with. You know, I have a really big day tomorrow and I'm really excited to talk to you about this product. So,
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you know, here we go and just go right into it. You pivot, you just go because the reason you're there again, is it to drink or is it to have a business meeting? Here's something you can do. Prep before you go to this business meeting or even a dinner party or meeting with a friend. Eat before you go. I know you're thinking, well, I'm going to eat there, but eat a little protein. It really helps to quell cravings and hydrate. Decide your drink order before you arrive.
Know what you're going to order. It makes it so much easier. Visualization. Decide your exit time before the first sip is offered. Right? I've got that early morning tomorrow. So you know you can leave. When the drinking starts getting heavy, you've already gotten your business meeting out of the way. I got to go. I had a great time. I look forward to following up with you, you know, the next day about what we talked about. Have a one line reason ready or none at all. You don't need to explain.
If someone says, aren't you drinking? Just say, you know, I'm just feeling so good. And hey, let's talk about what we're here to talk about. Of course, you say it in a nice way. You can always text someone supportive before or after. Like a coach, like me, this is what I do with my clients. They vox me usually. We've prepared for this meeting. They text me beforehand. They can even walk into the bathroom mid meeting if they're feeling stressed for a little support. Send a little vox or to a friend or
their spouse or partner who's at home, hey, I'm coming home soon and I'm not drinking, I'm doing great, just want to check in. Those things help. They really help. Just remember this quote, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So just make an easy plan. Know what you're going to say, know what you're going to order, know when you're going to leave. And when it comes to alcohol, remember this, a maybe is a yes. So go with a plan.
You may not use it, but it's in your back pocket and you're ready. So just to wrap this all up, every time you drink to keep someone else comfortable, your brain learns my needs are negotiable, their comfort comes first, and that becomes a habit loop. And that becomes difficult to change. Over time that will turn into other people's comfort matters more than my health goals, my self-esteem and my self-trust.
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and that sends you in a different direction than you want to go if you're a person who wants to change your relationship with alcohol. Every time you don't do that, you don't sabotage yourself, every time you pause and you share the truth that, know, I am not drinking right now and you move through that awkward moment, which I tell you is so short, you teach your brain something new. You teach your brain, I can do hard things, I can handle discomfort, I can stay connected.
without betraying myself. I can stay in integrity with myself and that is a really good feeling. That is how self-trust is built, one real life moment at a time, not by being perfect, but by choosing short-term discomfort over long-term regret. So I hope that helps. Let me know, reach out to me, let me know if any of those scenarios, you've experienced them, you found yourself drinking when you didn't want to. Let me know if any of those questions help.
If this episode hit home with you, please follow Sober Fit Life wherever you listen to podcasts. It really helps get this message out more than you know. And if you're more of a visual person, I do have a YouTube channel. You can check it out at Sober Fit Chick Coaching. And again, if this hit you, you can take my quiz. It's on my website or you can go to www.soberfitchick.com forward slash am I, like am I drinking too much?
You can take my quiz, give me your email, I'll send you the results. You'll also get a guide to what is gray area drinking and three science back tactics that will help you quell cravings right away in real time. One more thing, March 1st, I'm starting my next six week alcohol reset group coaching program. I use my signature 4R method, recognize, replace, rewire and renew. The wait list is now open. Just head to my website, go to the top bar, click on courses.
click on six week alcohol reset and put your name on the waiting list. I'm gonna open registration starting February 1st. I would love for you to join and share this episode with a friend who always says, yeah, I just drank cause I didn't want it to feel weird and share this episode and see if it helps them too. So again, thanks for showing up for Sober Fit Life and let me know what you do to stay sober fit.
