Maureen Benkovich (00:00.93)
Welcome back to Sober Fit Life. And today is just me and you. And we're talking about identity. And I think it's so important to talk about this. comes up a lot with my clients. So much so I wanted to do a whole episode on it because once we start thinking about removing alcohol, we start to realize how entangled it's become in so many facets of our life. And I'll speak from my own example.
I thought I was just looking at removing or changing a destructive habit, but I didn't realize how much it had become so enmeshed in every part of my life. And the way I started to know that was to tease out the limiting beliefs I had that were holding me back from changing my relationship with alcohol. So even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was increasing my depression and my anxiety and lowering my self-esteem,
and out of alignment with my values as a fitness person who cared about my health. And I just knew it was holding me back. Not to mention my gut health was a mess. Like everything, I knew every facet. Alcohol was affecting it negatively. But what I didn't realize was how much I had wrapped it up in my identity. So that felt threatened. And you know, our brains don't like change. And that's when we have all this resistance. So the limiting beliefs I had.
which I hear all the time with my clients and tell me if you can relate, are things like, but how will I be fun? And how will I connect when I go out to a bar or a party or a networking event? You know, I have to talk to people and maybe I'm not interesting enough and maybe all those activities I do with drinking won't be as fun. And so we start to realize how much.
alcohol has become a part of everything. Like think about it. Work, relaxation, vacations, boating, know, post 5k run. It's everywhere. So that is why you feel this natural resistance when you think about making a change. Remember the brain doesn't like to be uncomfortable even if the change we're thinking of making is a good change.
Maureen Benkovich (02:27.374)
Knowing that I always say to my clients you can kind of talk to your brain and say hey I know what you're doing brain. You're trying to protect me but I'm going to be curious and I'm going to make some changes and I'm gonna challenge those limiting beliefs things like I won't be any fun without alcohol. Well for me personally how would I even know that until I tried because I had been drinking since I was 14 so I had no other way to know if I could be or have fun until
I experienced it. Now, that didn't happen right away. I experienced discomfort. I had to relearn, quite literally relearn how to socialize, how to be in an environment talking to people without first getting that drink in my hand, you know, that safety net to get that buzz, that calm to my central nervous system. So I had to learn other techniques, breath work, journaling.
you know, breaking down my limiting beliefs, asking if that was true. What else could be true? What if I lived from that other place of truth? So it's a process. And as I share with my clients, it's your, if you're really taking a serious break, I knew I was going to take a year long break. It's your year of alcohol free first. So everything is new. Everything is a new experience. How you choose to look at that new experience will shape the way
your break from alcohol feels. So if you look at it as an opportunity, curiosity, experimental, then you can be interested in like, wow, I never realized how I actually never talked to people when I was at a bar. I was more focused on getting a drink. How much I was drinking when I was going to get the next one. How much was everybody else drinking? Did I drink that faster than them? So how could I possibly be focusing on other people when all that in
internal conversations going on in my head. So I had to learn how to talk to people and I actually realized I was connecting much more, asking more questions about them. I'd walk away from an event being like, wow, I've known that person for so long, but I never knew those things about them because I was focused on the alcohol. And so that's how alcohol gets so enmeshed in your identity. And when you want to make a change, you're thinking of pulling out those limiting beliefs and
Maureen Benkovich (04:53.58)
looking at them with curiosity and asking, well, is that true? Can I not go on a boat and not enjoy the water and outdoors and maybe you do some water sports if I'm not drinking? Is that true? And of course I found out, no, that's not true. Actually, I feel better on a boat without drinking, but you have to be willing to go through it.
but it's the identity piece that I think is so interesting. Now, I'm not saying we walk around saying, hey, I identify as a drinker. No, not at all. It's very subconscious. And it isn't until you think about making changes that you realize over the years how enmeshed alcohol has become with your identity. So really kind of think about it and write down all the ways in which alcohol has become a part of your identity.
and how you start changing that by writing down the questions that come into your mind when you think about removing alcohol. Even if you're a person like me who really wanted to, because I knew it was hurting me, those questions, those fears would pop up. The fear is because your brain doesn't like the discomfort of change. And so you have to go through the discomfort to get on the other side to experience like,
that actually was okay without alcohol. And every time you do it, it's more than okay, it's better. You know, and then you're at the point where, wow, I'm so glad I do this without alcohol, but it's a process. And I always say this to my clients, and I had to remind myself in the beginning when I was doing this, how long have you been drinking? Well, my own personal experience was like 45 years. So why would I think I'm magically going to figure this out and make changes?
in 30 days and it's going to feel totally natural and comfortable and I'm cool with like going into a big party or a bar with all these people I used to drink with without feeling discomfort. That's just not realistic. So knowing you'll feel discomfort and being curious about it and willing to go through it and maybe you leave that situation earlier than you would have had you been drinking, most likely you will, and you are curious about like how wrapped up alcohol has become in your identity.
Maureen Benkovich (07:16.11)
Because I can honestly say I am a different person now, but I am a person that I like so much more. I like my identity as a coach, as someone who cares about my health. I'm in alignment with my values. I'm in alignment with my faith. And when you are in alignment with your values, that's your core identity. When you are in alignment with your values, that feels good. When you are out of alignment living...
out of alignment in your values, that doesn't feel good. That feels icky. And a lot of times you drink because you don't want to feel that. So there's so much here. I could go off on tangents about values and I'm trying to stick with identity because I also have a reason for sharing this specific message. So that fear of losing yourself, who will you be without drinking is a very common concern. So know that, know that it's common, but then be curious about it. Like, well, what are all the ways I've wrapped up?
alcohol consciously and subconsciously in my life and what would each one of those segments look like if I just tried to experience them without alcohol and be really curious about it and the key is to afterwards let's say it's a party you come home and you think about it was it as awful as you thought it was going to be because usually the anticipation is much worse did you talk to a lot of people and actually notice you were more conversational
Were you happy to come home and be able to wash your face and brush your teeth and get in bed and wake up the next morning feeling really good? Did you wake up the next morning and say, man, I wish I drank last night? Probably not. So that's how you start to develop your new identity as a person who no longer drinks or hardly drinks or alcohol is really not a big deal in your mind anymore. That is how you develop and be comfortable and really uncover your true identity. So
think about that. Now for me personally that was a big challenge. I thought it was the biggest challenge I go through for my identity. However this year I am going through another challenge to my identity. So it will be on September 14th was the last day I drank four years ago and almost four years to that day I have to undergo a pretty serious surgery.
Maureen Benkovich (09:41.751)
And so my identity, I'm holding onto my neck for those of you can see me, my identity as a fit person, as a strong woman, physically I'm talking about, has been challenged in the last few years. My neck has been degenerating, my vertebrae have been degenerating, the discs have been disintegrating, cervical and lumbar. It's actually been going on for years and years and years. I knew it was going to come to this.
point, but I was able to work around it, work through it. I'd have some good moments where it didn't hurt, but in the last few years, it's really degenerated quite a bit, such to the point that I am now on September 15th going to undergo surgery where I have two discs that are hardly there anymore removed. They're like flat little pancakes and have two titanium discs put in. So two
new titanium implants. They're kind of cool. They rotate so your vertebrae will actually have the same kind of function they're meant to have. Right now, two of my vertebrae are currently fusing themselves together because there's hardly any disc there and they've grown wider to disperse the pressure because God is really smart how he designed the body. But I really don't want that fusion to happen because then the vertebrae above and below will start to suffer. So after a lot of soul searching and going to
a very renowned surgeon at Mercy Maryland Spine Center, I'm set up for this surgery. I'm telling you this because it has definitely been a challenge to my identity as a fit, strong, and I'm talking about physical strength woman. Because over the last two years, I've had to cut back, cut back and change and adapt and adapt. So it's been a big lesson in adaption. And who am I, right? Challenging my identity.
But I'm actually really happy now I've finally made this decision. It's been a long time coming and I'm going to come out on the other side of the discomfort, like we were just talking about with removing alcohol and work my way back up to being a strong fit woman. Now it's probably going to look different, right? Just like I look different now as a woman who no longer drinks compared to the woman who was drinking, who was very unhappy and
Maureen Benkovich (12:11.136)
sad and anxious and hiding herself and her sadness. So, but now I'm a completely different person and I'm going to come through this discomfort, probably lots of physical therapy and slowly with patience and self-compassion just like I coach with clients removing alcohol, I'm going to work back up to a new identity or a different version, you know, of what strong looks like as a woman who will be 60.
soon. And it's important for me to share this with you guys because I have been working so hard on building this coaching business, this awareness around it's okay to change your relationship with alcohol. You don't have to be a person who hits rock bottom, Hollywood rock bottom. It might be like what feels like rock bottom to you, but I'm talking, you know, car accidents, lose your job, all that kind of stuff. No, my message is always if it's better for your health, your mental health.
your spiritual and emotional health and you know you want to change, that's all the reason you need. So I've been working so hard on sharing this message. I have to take a step back because this recovery is going to be challenging and I really want to focus my efforts and energy and rest and nutrition and all the things I coach. My central nervous system regulation is going to be slow.
So I will be cutting back on my podcast publication. I'm gonna start publishing twice a month versus every week. And I've already been recording quite a few podcasts and maybe I'll walk you through this journey of what this is gonna look like. I'm probably gonna have to be wearing a scarf on my neck for a while or turtlenecks. But my identity is definitely being challenged.
know it's another identity shake-up but I have learned so much so many tools so many ways to counter fear to make myself more resilient to stress through central nervous system regulation sleep schedule nutrition journaling prayer for me meditation really taking care of myself
Maureen Benkovich (14:34.612)
and I'm in the best position I could be to undergo this surgery. I am so glad you guys that I am not drinking. I mean, I've had some surgeries before and I literally would drink the night before. And now with everything I know about alcohol, how it affects your body, that was really, really stupid. And doctors give much better warnings now, but you know, it's just a risk that can totally be mitigated.
But having now not had any alcohol in system for over four years and really cleared up my gut and my mental health and my coping skills, I am in such a good position to have this surgery that I knew was coming for like the last 30 years. And so I just want to say that, you this is, you're allowed to evolve. So as far as drinking, you're allowed to evolve.
You're allowed to grieve old versions of yourself because at first when you make a change, it feels a little scary. So you're allowed to, you can do two things at once. You can be excited or as I think it's Glennon Doyle says, skited, which is scared and excited feeling together about making changes. But you can also grieve the old version of yourself, which I went through that process when removing alcohol and it's a process. It's not linear. It's a process up and down.
back and forth, you know, and learning and proving to yourself and your brain and your body that you don't need alcohol. And now with all of those skills, I'm doing the same thing. I've actually been kind of going through the grieving process of, you know, the old version of me that used to do obstacle courses and bungee jumping. A lot of I've done a lot of things to challenge my body and they were great and fun things.
but I'm also looking forward to rebuilding and taking the time it needs to so that I can move into my 60s and my 70s as a healthy fit woman. Sober fit life is not about perfection. I hope that message comes across. It's about persistence, consistency, endurance, authenticity, being real. Sometimes you're scared, but you don't let that keep you stuck.
Maureen Benkovich (17:00.736)
and you move forward using all the resources and tools that I often talk about. So I hope I really live this out for people to see. I know and I can share with you many of my clients now who are over the year alcohol free have used the same tools that we learned that we work together on in coaching to remove alcohol to get comfortable with their new identity.
to become more resilient to stress, to down-regulate their central nervous system without turning to alcohol, those very same skills can be applied to so many other areas in your life. And I am doing all of that right now. And I'm so grateful that I have these skills and so grateful that I get an opportunity to help other people learn how to do these skills and also live them out. So what freedom from alcohol has taught me
is to sit with discomfort, which I'm going to do. You know, that this isn't the end of my fit life. It's a recalibration, just like when you remove alcohol, it's not the end of your life or your fun or your ability to connect. It's actually a recalibration. And what's going to be on the other side is going to be exciting and a new version of me. And
So I want to say I want to stay connected. I hope you will share this episode and listen to the other ones that I have prepared as I go through this surgery and the recovery. I will still be coaching to a limited degree, taking on fewer clients, but I do have a waiting list already starting for Sober October. I'll be back and I'm looking forward to opening that up to group coaching. So it's my...
six week alcohol reset course. my digital course where you get a little video from me every day and they're short, bite-sized lessons. Some have worksheets and when we do the group version, I take about 10 to 15 people no more than that. I like to keep the groups kind of small so we can have good talk time. And we all go through the course together, everybody individually on their own and you'll have access to me through Voxer and email. And then once a week we meet as a group online.
Maureen Benkovich (19:21.122)
and we share our insights, what we're learning, our struggles, our wins. And it's really great to be in a group because you understand you're not alone and this is very common and you all can support each other too. And it's really nice to see, it's so nice. The last group I had, some of those people really stayed in touch and I love to see that and reach out to me and let me know how they're doing and how their lives have changed since they've reevaluated their relationship with alcohol.
And sometimes I'm just a step on the stop along the way, part of their journey. And other times they get back to me and they're like, my gosh, I'm so happy I don't drink anymore. And some are like, hey, I'm like doing so well. I hardly drink. It's not a big deal anymore. So it's really great to hear from people. So sober October, you can go to my website or you can DM me or email me and I'll send you the link. Scroll all the way to the bottom of the self-led version because it's self-led right now.
and there's a wait list and you can put your name on it or you can just email me, hey, I want to be in your sober October. So all that to say identity. Start to ask if your identity is really wrapped up in alcohol. And if it is, what are those limiting beliefs that are holding you back, even though you might want to change and then be curious about who you could be on the other side of alcohol and take a look at all the people I have on my podcast who have changed their lives. That's why I bring them on to share encouraging stories.
my story of how my life has changed and everything I'm doing now on the other side of alcohol and how I am in such a good place to go through this difficult procedure and surgery and another recalibration. But I have all the tools and I am not having a toxin or a carcinogen flowing through my body causing all other kinds of counter chemicals. I'm a good mental place to do this.
So just really take all that into account, whatever's going on in your life and be curious and say, know, would my life be better with less or no alcohol? Would my identity be stronger? Would I like who I am more with less or no alcohol? And if the answer is yes, if you've been asking yourself, should I drink less? Kind of worried about my drinking, then
Maureen Benkovich (21:39.663)
join my Sober October group or reach out to me for a discovery call. I do coaching. I love to come on this podcast and talk about it, but I love coaching because I love helping people get those aha moments and change their life. Recalibration, right? So thank you so much for listening to me. And I'm here. I'll just be in a less of a capacity, but reach out to me. Let me know how you're doing and keep on being sober fit.
