Maureen Benkovich (00:01.016)
Hey everybody, welcome back to Sober Fit Life. I took a little break, took a two week vacation in Europe and have a lot of interesting alcohol-free travel tips that will be on another podcast. But today I am so excited to introduce Paulette Kenig. And how do I say that last name? Kenig... Keng. A wife, mom, grandmother and retired award-winning editor who spent decades covering the oil and gas and healthcare industries.
Paulette Kengg (00:18.471)
It's King. Yes.
Maureen Benkovich (00:29.208)
She's also the author of Spirit-Led Sobriety, a powerful memoir of faith, healing and recovery. What makes Paulette's story so unique is that her struggle with alcohol didn't begin until her 50s when she started using it to cope with insomnia. But her story goes even deeper, back to childhood trauma, loss and the long quiet pain that so many of us carry knowing that we're drinking and struggling with that and drinking more than we want to.
Now in recovery, Paulette shares a deeply honest account of how traditional recovery roots didn't serve her, how shame kept her silent even inside the church, and how faith, real spirit-led faith, became the foundation for her healing. Her courage in telling this story is a gift to anybody struggling in the shadows. And I am so honored to have you here, Paulette. I really am. I'm so grateful. Paulette sent her book to me, which is so cool.
Paulette Kengg (01:19.27)
Thank you.
Maureen Benkovich (01:25.304)
took a look at it and I started reading it one night at 9 p.m. I couldn't put it down. I was reading till like 2 in the morning. And I think you all should pick up a copy of this book, Spirit-Led Sobriety, because it's really a heartfelt story and just shows how anybody can get addicted to alcohol. But Paulette, welcome. I'd love for you to introduce yourself and then we can get into it.
Paulette Kengg (01:43.999)
Thank you.
Paulette Kengg (01:47.559)
Okay, well, I'm a Christian wife, mother, grandmother, and I live in Texas, happily married. Third time is a charm, Third time's a charm, happily married, almost 18 years, and I quit alcohol. What can I say? I quit and stayed quit. That's the, you know, I still can't believe it.
Maureen Benkovich (02:07.49)
Yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (02:11.75)
We were just talking about that before recording that sometimes you're like, wow, I really did it. You know, I really don't drink anymore. I'm a person who doesn't drink anymore. It's so cool.
Paulette Kengg (02:16.382)
Yeah.
And I don't even think about that I don't drink. Like once in a while it'll hit me that I really did it. really, you know, anyway, it's all good. It's great.
Maureen Benkovich (02:27.522)
Yeah, it is. And I'll tell you, so Paulette opens up with a near-death accident that happened to you while you were drinking alcohol and you were taking Ambien, I believe, at the time for your insomnia. And so let's just start with that story because that is unbelievable what happened to you and that you survived.
Paulette Kengg (02:41.501)
Yeah, yeah.
Paulette Kengg (02:51.921)
Yeah, you know, I don't want to give away all of the details of the story because the opening chapter, I've not heard anyone said that they did not get hooked on that opening chapter. But basically, I was alone at our vacation home on the lake. My husband was out of town at a conference and I had been having chronic insomnia for eight and a half years.
Maureen Benkovich (02:55.542)
Right. I don't even want you to either.
Paulette Kengg (03:20.007)
And it started when I finished, I got my last editorial job and I worked from home, which was different from any other job I had had. And I absolutely loved the job. It was not work to me. I can't believe I get paid to do this. And so my brain just went 24 seven. I could not turn it off. And anyway, by this time I had been drinking a lot.
Maureen Benkovich (03:40.846)
Mmm.
Paulette Kengg (03:49.321)
and I was at the lake and five o'clock, I remember it so perfectly. I'm sitting on the couch, it's five o'clock, the lake is right there. I decide it's a good idea to have a drink and like open my Kindle and just, you know, chill out. Well, I'm a Texas girl, right? I drink Jack Daniel's strength. I drank Jack Daniel's strength. Yeah, like, yeah, drank. No coke, no ice, not even ice, like.
Maureen Benkovich (04:05.186)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (04:12.332)
You drank, I was gonna catch you there, yeah.
Paulette Kengg (04:18.517)
you know and lots of it and so when you drink a lot then it's I started getting sleepy but I was on a I take Ambien because that's that really helps well it wasn't the first time I had done that but I had apparently it had more Jack Daniels than I realized and I took the Ambien and passed out on the couch got up and
tried to make it to the bathroom and I had an accident. I'm not going to describe it.
Maureen Benkovich (04:53.454)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (04:56.125)
But when you read about it, it will make your stomach turn. It makes your stomach turn. And it is literally a miracle that I was able to drive. My glasses were broken. I can't see without my glasses. And our lake house is in a little country town. I had to drive about 10 minutes through dark, hilly road.
Maureen Benkovich (05:00.106)
It. Yes.
Paulette Kengg (05:22.269)
I was bleeding, was gushing, bleeding. I will tell the readers that. I had blood gushing out of me, out of my side. And I couldn't see how bad it was because my glasses were broken. And I got to the clinic and they were like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I'm bleeding. I waited, I don't know if I kept, put that in the book. I waited for over an hour. They didn't realize how bad, and when they got me into the room,
Maureen Benkovich (05:26.094)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (05:33.005)
Right.
Paulette Kengg (05:51.463)
and saw, they were like, stay with me, stay with me. No, you can't go to sleep. Where's your, know, who can we call? Who can we call? Wake up, wake up. Cause I was losing consciousness. I was losing so much blood. They called an ambulance, obviously. And I could cry at this point cause it was just so awful. I remember thinking, you know, my husband's going to divorce me. This is it.
Maureen Benkovich (06:00.952)
Wow.
Paulette Kengg (06:17.617)
I just want to die. actually begged God, please let me just die. I'm like, you know, anyway.
Maureen Benkovich (06:20.457)
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, when I read that, yes, everybody, I'll tell you, get the book and read the opening, you won't be able to put it down. like Paula, I don't want to give the rest away. But let's now backtrack to, you you weren't really much of a drinker at all, if I'm correct, from memory of reading, but you were having this insomnia and a friend just casually said to you what?
Paulette Kengg (06:25.705)
Yeah, I need to take a breath.
Paulette Kengg (06:43.274)
Right.
Paulette Kengg (06:49.587)
Why don't you have a glass of wine? She was like, like, duh, have a glass of wine before you go to bed. You know, and that's what the alcohol marketing industry, right? They just have a glass of wine. Well, they're telling you have a glass of wine for just brush your teeth with it for crying out loud. You know what I'm saying? And, because I had not had a problem with alcohol, it never occurred to me. mean, alcohol was just not, it never occurred to me. that might be a good idea.
Maureen Benkovich (07:04.65)
Everything. Yes.
Paulette Kengg (07:18.931)
So I actually talked to my husband. He's like, well, you don't have a problem. Go ahead. You know, it might work. And you know what? It did. And the thing, what I want people to know for me, I mean, I, developed this addiction in my mid to late fifties. And when my brain recognized alcohol is the solution to your insomnia, cause it did help me relax. When I say that addiction took hold,
Maureen Benkovich (07:26.158)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (07:48.661)
It took hold in about a week. I very specifically remember telling my husband, something has changed in my brain or my mind. Something's wrong. I'm not processing alcohol the way that I used to. I'm drinking way too much. This is scary. Because what I would do, Maureen, is I would have that glass of wine. I would take it like I was taking an Ambien. I was off Ambien at this point. I would take it like it was a Tylenol.
Maureen Benkovich (08:12.6)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (08:16.853)
I literally had a bottle of wine by my bed. And you know, it's a depressant. It's a sedative, it helps you relax. But then after a few hours, you wake up, you know, that's the stimulant part. So I would just pour another glass of wine, drink it, go back to bed. That's how the addiction formed.
Maureen Benkovich (08:33.346)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (08:40.716)
Yeah, I thought it was so interesting in the book that you said you recognized something had literally changed in your brain. You felt it, you were aware of it, but you weren't quite sure exactly what it was, but you knew something was different.
Paulette Kengg (08:47.826)
Immediately.
Paulette Kengg (08:52.891)
I did, I did, a hundred percent. And that was a gift. Yeah. It was a gift that I recognized something had changed. I don't think I realized it was the alcohol. I don't think I put it two and two together because I think my brain was just so relieved that, man, man, you found the solution. You're able to sleep. The sleep, quality of sleep was awful.
Maureen Benkovich (08:55.244)
Yeah. Yeah. And that's that neural pathway.
Maureen Benkovich (09:15.502)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (09:20.703)
but I was sleeping more than I had for eight and a half years. And you know, you have to remember towards the end, I saw a team of three doctors, my primary care, a board certified sleep specialist and a cognitive behavior therapist specializing in insomnia. For one and a half years, these three doctors tag teamed, here's what I'm doing. Okay, here she's reacting this way. Let's do this.
For a year and a half, three specialists. That's how messed, when I say I had insomnia, it was bad.
Maureen Benkovich (09:56.076)
And did they know you were drinking alcohol to help you go to sleep? Okay. So you were kind of not mentioning that part because then the ambient combination and the alcohol, I've actually experienced that myself and been very disoriented the next day.
Paulette Kengg (09:59.261)
No. Yeah. yeah, kind of. Yeah.
Because yeah, there's so much shame and especially with my primary care doctor, I just love her. I have so much respect for her and I was just, I was scared to tell her. I was so ashamed. It was awful. yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (10:11.628)
sure.
Maureen Benkovich (10:21.804)
Yeah. Yeah, I understand the shame completely. And that's what holds a lot of us back from getting help. But you said something so interesting in your book. You said you just thought you were a loser. You had a problem. was something wrong with you. But yet your brain was doing exactly what it was designed to do. You know, our brains try to protect us and it's like, great, this stuff's helping you sleep. Let's dump some dopamine and motivate her to do that again and create this neural pathway that
Paulette Kengg (10:39.988)
Yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (10:50.43)
neuroplasticity.
Paulette Kengg (10:50.461)
Right, to where I don't even think have another drink. I mean, before I'm just drinking and anybody that has a drinking problem understands, can wake up in the morning, that's it, I am not doing this. And later in the day, you're not even thinking about drinking, but there you are doing it. And it's like, how did this, I didn't even, I wasn't even thinking about drinking. And how is this happening? It's that neural pathway.
It just, that's what the brain does. It finds a solution and you don't even have to think. You just do it. It's automatic.
Maureen Benkovich (11:20.002)
Yeah. Yeah, it's powerful.
Maureen Benkovich (11:25.87)
That's right. And then it went from drinking to sleep to you were in a situation where you were in a new neighborhood, you didn't really have any friends, you were feeling very isolated, sad, lonely and found alcohol to be, go ahead and speak to that. You started drinking in the day.
Paulette Kengg (11:36.037)
Yes! Yes!
Paulette Kengg (11:42.357)
Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, like I said earlier, I'm married third time's a charm. I was divorced twice and the second husband was the mean one. Okay, I'll leave it at that. And there's a reason I stayed single for 20 years. I had created a life I loved. I had a job I clearly loved. My daughter was awesome. I was a member of a church. I had family. I had everything. I had my own house. I had all the stuff. Why wouldn't I want a man?
to mess it up, you know. But this wonderful man came and anyway, I sold my house, we got married, I moved into his neighborhood and his neighborhood, which was our neighborhood, was a foo-foo neighborhood. You know, I was a poor single mom, right? And I move into this, let's just say upgraded lifestyle. I was not about the money, but.
the people in that neighborhood, just never came out of their house. It was very strange. And I was in my early 50s when we got married. And unless you have a kid in school or you have a job or you're a member of a golf club or something in the neighborhood, it's very difficult for me to make friends. You have to be around people on a regular basis, kind of like the same people.
And for someone like me that I love people, I can talk your head off, you know, obviously. And to not have that outlet, to not have that opportunity, and my husband traveled a lot and, you know, I started drinking because there was like nothing else to do. And I was lonely.
Maureen Benkovich (13:24.46)
Yeah, you use the words, became your comforter, your friend, you're bored, you were lonely. And I hear this so much with my clients that yeah, it became my friend, my comforter, my confidant.
Paulette Kengg (13:28.295)
Everything. Yep.
Paulette Kengg (13:34.729)
Yeah, yeah. And pretty soon I was drinking so much, even in the morning. I'm so ashamed to say it, but when he would leave for work, I would start drinking around nine thirty or ten in the morning and I would drink, drink, drink. And then I'd pass out for a little afternoon nap. And then I'd get up and shower and, you know, hair, makeup, because I wanted to be a good wife. mean, I married the best man in the world and
He had absolutely no idea.
Maureen Benkovich (14:07.5)
Yeah, so there's all that keeping the secret, pretending that exhaustion of that.
Paulette Kengg (14:09.982)
Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (14:13.893)
Yes, girl, I used to hide my wine bottles in my black and white polka dot rain boots in my closet. He would go to work, I would get the bottles out, and then I'd have to drive to all the stores looking for the exact bottles because he has a photographic memory. So he would know if this particular wine bottle was, you know, it was exhausting, you know, and having to hide them.
Maureen Benkovich (14:40.056)
Yeah, the mental real estate expended on that. But I get it because you're in the shame cycle. Yeah, and you were just trying to survive.
Paulette Kengg (14:44.787)
Yeah, the energy, the exhaustion.
Even when you're not drinking, you're dealing with drinking. You're dealing with the shame of it, hiding it, trying to replace it, thinking about when is your next drink, when are they gonna leave the room. I don't miss that at all.
Maureen Benkovich (14:52.781)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (15:07.864)
I don't either. I call it taking up mental real estate. And you don't realize how much of your brain it's taking up until you stop drinking and tell me if you do this too. And all of sudden it's like, wow, I have so much time and I can think of doing other things and I'm motivated and...
Paulette Kengg (15:15.316)
Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (15:21.128)
Yes! Yes! Anyway, it's, yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (15:24.95)
It's a freedom. Yeah. So, I mean, your story is so incredible. And I know, you you talk about it's important for people to hear that anybody can get addicted even later on in life, even when you're doing something as harmless, quote unquote, as trying to drink to help with insomnia. So once you realize you were dependent on alcohol, I know you tried several traditional routes of
getting free from this. So can you talk about that and your experiences with that?
Paulette Kengg (15:56.373)
Absolutely, sure. You know, I tried AA and I tried Celebrate Recovery. Those are the two most well-known that I know of. And I have nothing against either of those programs. I have to make that very clear. They just did not work for me. I went to several different meetings, several different locations. I tried all the advice. And I remember one of my sponsors with AA.
Maureen Benkovich (16:10.445)
Yes.
Paulette Kengg (16:24.285)
I am a Christian, okay? And I remember she said, and here's exactly how she said it, you of all people, how could you have the power of the Holy Spirit inside of you? You of all people should never have had a relapse. What's wrong with you? Get up that aisle and get that chip.
Maureen Benkovich (16:25.954)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (16:43.31)
Ugh.
Paulette Kengg (16:47.645)
Now, does that help me want to stay sober? How does that help me want to go back into the room? You want to know what I did when I left with my little chip? Yeah, yeah, I went and got a bottle. went to, I don't know where I went, but I went and had a bottle and drove home. My husband was at work, you know, and crying my eye like, hated myself.
Maureen Benkovich (16:59.808)
drink. Yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (17:12.718)
Mm.
Paulette Kengg (17:16.405)
And for anybody listening, it's not normal to hate yourself. That's not good. That is not normal. Alcohol will do that. All the more reason to work on whatever it takes to get it out of your life. Celebrate Recovery was similar to AA, but what I think the main thing with that is that it was recovering from anything and everything.
I needed recovery from alcohol. I didn't need recovery from your childhood stuff or your food stuff or your gambling or whatever. I needed it to be specific. And so I don't want to sound mean, but I don't like wasting my time. I wasn't getting the help. I was open, but it just wasn't for me. But I didn't give up. kept looking. I kept, tried everything that God put in my path, as you well know, and all of it helped.
Maureen Benkovich (18:11.81)
Yeah, yeah. I love that you didn't give up and you found, you know, what fit for you. And I just want to let everybody know Paulette is a go-getter. When you read her history and life and how you did drop out of college, and we're going to talk about that if that's okay with you. But then you pursued a career and against all odds became very successful. So my point is you have willpower, you're a go-getter.
Paulette Kengg (18:16.669)
no, no.
Paulette Kengg (18:24.021)
You
Paulette Kengg (18:31.431)
Of course.
Maureen Benkovich (18:41.004)
So it's not that you didn't have willpower or moral failing, you were drinking an addictive substance on a regular basis and got addicted just like I did. But most of us think what's wrong with me? Why can't I beat this? Well, because it's an addictive drug.
Paulette Kengg (18:50.483)
Right.
Paulette Kengg (18:55.977)
Right, and your brain is only doing what it's designed to do.
Maureen Benkovich (19:00.258)
Yeah, such an important message for people to hear. So let's talk about that actually. I want to backtrack even more. Let's talk about when you were in college, something that really changed the trajectory of your life.
Paulette Kengg (19:02.378)
Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (19:08.063)
Sure.
Paulette Kengg (19:16.555)
sure, sure. Can I go back a little further? I want to talk about when I was 14 years old, what happened. Okay, when I'm the youngest of five kids and when I was 14, my dad was shot and killed by his brother who was drunk. My uncle shot and killed my dad in cold blood.
Maureen Benkovich (19:20.82)
You can go back wherever you want. Yes. Yes. yes.
Paulette Kengg (19:45.489)
And my oldest sister came and picked me up. She was married and she came and picked me up and gave me Jack Daniels. But that's all she knew to do. We were raised in a house where both parents drank. was anybody that's been raised in a house with even one parent drinking, I don't have to go into everything.
Maureen Benkovich (19:58.285)
right?
Paulette Kengg (20:10.825)
We saw and heard things no child should have to see. what's, I mean, it's awful enough what happened to my dad, but what's significant is my dad was the parent that loved me. And what I mean by that is my mom was pressured to have the son. know, men always want the son and she had three girls. She finally had my brother. So the last thing she wanted was another kid. Well,
You know, I didn't ask to be conceived. And so my dad, I think he really saw my mom's complete neglect of me. And I'm not talking as a victim mode at all, but he saw and he gave me a lot of extra love. And he's the one that said, you can do anything you want, you know, you put your mind to. I would never have been able to accomplish
Maureen Benkovich (20:39.854)
Mmm.
Paulette Kengg (21:06.677)
the career change in my dreams without a college degree, a mentor, a foot in the door, nothing. I never would have been able to do that if my dad had not spoken that life, words of life into me, even at such a young age. But fast forward, I'm in college. The night of my 19th birthday, I got raped. There was alcohol involved and...
Why is that important? Well, I was a virgin. was raised Catholic. I'm not Catholic anymore. That's okay. But raised as a Catholic, I mean, you do not have sex outside of marriage. And I was raped. And it was, thank you. Well, it was traumatic. And I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. couldn't shower long enough. And I quit school.
Maureen Benkovich (21:50.36)
I know, I'm so sorry that you went through that.
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (22:02.683)
about a week later because the guy that did that to me was in several of my classes. He was in the same apartment complex. So I had a choice either to continue facing this person who took advantage of me or move home with drunk mother. Well, I told you know.
I moved home with drunk mother and drunk mother never knew anything about what happened. She never knew the reason. I never told anybody for about close to 30 years actually what happened. And even when I did, it was in passing to one of my sisters in conversation and she's what? Yeah. But anyway, we're not here to talk about that, but it was trauma.
Maureen Benkovich (22:46.306)
But the point is there was so much trauma and shame and there was, you know, alcohol even back then. But then there was a time period where you really didn't drink that much, right? It was just like...
Paulette Kengg (22:50.846)
Yes.
Paulette Kengg (22:56.755)
Yeah, yeah, for years I didn't drink, for years and years and years. And then, you know, I had friends and we would go to a club and, you know, I'd have a drink now and then, you know, it just was not a thing. And when I met my husband and we were dating, you know, we would go out for dinner, I'd have a drink, whatever, you know, when we got married, we had a fabulous honeymoon, you know, and just, I got to travel.
Maureen Benkovich (23:10.775)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (23:24.935)
all over the world. I've been to lot of beautiful, wonderful countries and had alcohol just, you know, whatever. It was not a thing until it became the thing that solved my sleep problem. So, so much more, boredom, loneliness, depression, anger.
Maureen Benkovich (23:41.368)
Yes. And then it morphed into so much more.
Maureen Benkovich (23:54.574)
So during your research when you started looking into trying to change your relationship with alcohol, you uncovered something called the ACE studies, right? The ACE test. Can you talk about that? Because it relates back to every trauma you just shared and there's more.
Paulette Kengg (24:04.691)
Yes, yes.
Absolutely. I believe it's called Adverse Childhood Experiences. And I listen to a lot of podcasts. I read a lot. I mean, that's my news background. I dig until I find what I need. And I don't remember how I heard about it, but it's called Adverse Childhood Experiences. You can Google it. The acronym is ACE. And it's a quiz. It's a 10 question quiz that you take.
Maureen Benkovich (24:13.922)
Yes.
Paulette Kengg (24:39.325)
I scored seven out of 10, which is quite a lot. I experienced seven out of the 10 main adverse child experiences that the psychologist determined were like the worst things a child could go through. I scored seven out of 10. So no wonder I had some trauma. And growing up with the way that I, in the household that I did, obviously healthy,
coping skills were not modeled by either parent. And we were not, we instinctively as children knew we don't talk about this. We didn't even talk about it with each other. And we sure didn't talk about it outside the house. And we'd go to church. My daddy was an usher. I mean, it was just, it was really sad, Maureen, you know, because my parents did the very best they could.
with what they had. And you just have to give yourself grace, you know, and trust that what you need will come to you, but you have to keep looking. And in my case, I am a woman of faith. don't know how I can, you know, faith is, I don't know how I, I couldn't live without my faith after everything I've been through. And we've only touched on a couple of things, right? So.
Maureen Benkovich (25:39.768)
They had, yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (26:00.312)
Right.
Maureen Benkovich (26:04.545)
Yeah, yes. Yeah. And I want to, I want to just say, you uncovered ACE, you realized you scored very high and you also recognize the connection with children who experienced trauma, sexual trauma, physical trauma, all kinds are more prone to addiction. But it was sort of waiting for you, you know, to have this perfect storm of the chronic insomnia and turning to alcohol, but it made sense how it happened so fast.
Paulette Kengg (26:20.788)
Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (26:29.065)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was like, once I was addicted, I started, know, and when I was, then I was bored or lonely or whatever, I guess my brain independently thought, well, alcohol solved your sleep problem. Let's try it for this. And of course, it's gonna turn into the solution for everything, the more, you know, the more you drink.
Maureen Benkovich (26:33.484)
and you got addicted.
Maureen Benkovich (26:54.382)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (26:59.155)
Yeah, yeah. I would like to talk about EMDR therapy if I can, because that was really... Okay, sorry.
Maureen Benkovich (27:05.196)
Yeah, I definitely want to get into that because I want to say, no, I think it's so I love in her in your book, you go through all the therapies and things that you tried. Absolutely. But I want to talk about, you came to Christ before you this drinking issue, right? Yeah. And you were going to a church, you were really involved. But when you becoming real, realizing you drinking too much, and how am going to stop this? And you went to
Paulette Kengg (27:21.152)
yes, years ago.
Maureen Benkovich (27:32.472)
your pastor and you were afraid at first to go and talk to him. But tell us about that experience.
Paulette Kengg (27:35.827)
Mm-hmm.
Well, it was just the most amount of shame because I had been an active, practicing, serving member of this large Baptist church for over 30 years. Many pastor friends, many just...
My whole life was my job and my church, my friends and the pastors. And I think because my dad had died when I was such a young age, I had so many elderly past, older pastor men that were like father figures to me. And what a gift, what a gift, you know? And so I went to...
Maureen Benkovich (28:15.736)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (28:24.309)
First of all, for so many years, I thought about calling one of the pastors, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it because they knew me very well. How could this happen? How could I be serving at church every Sunday counseling people and divorce recovery and single parents and be drinking my, you know what I mean? And anyway, I...
did call Pastor Charlie and I said, just, I have to tell you this. And he said, well, what is it? You know, and he said, what is it? And I said, I think I have a problem with alcohol. Immediately, Paulette, I've been clean and sober for 20 years. Was that not a gift? Can you hear my phone?
Maureen Benkovich (29:15.694)
How did that feel? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (29:23.435)
Kim, would you want me to ignore it? I'm so sorry.
Maureen Benkovich (29:23.65)
Yeah. That's all right. If you could turn it off, that'd be great. Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (29:28.519)
Yes, okay, hold on.
Maureen Benkovich (29:43.438)
These things happen.
Paulette Kengg (29:44.597)
Nothing like live people.
Maureen Benkovich (29:47.074)
Well, that's okay. I thought, you know, I just want to really stay on this point for a second because I was active and serving in my church. I was teaching Bible study and I was drinking like crazy on the weekends and, you know, thinking I was pulling it off on a Sunday when I'd show up dressed up, but probably smelling like alcohol. And I didn't want to admit that either. And I think this is very common within churches.
Paulette Kengg (30:00.425)
Yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (30:12.652)
that so many people, women I've talked to, I have other coach friends who are Christian coaches, there's just so much shame around it. I think in the last few years, people are talking about it more within the church. And so that's why I think it's so important that you share this part of your story.
Paulette Kengg (30:24.234)
Yes.
Paulette Kengg (30:28.531)
Well, thank you. Yeah, I did. I just, I practically started crying. I'm like, cause I would have, you know, just like he probably never would have thought I had a problem. I never would have thought ever he would have ever, but see that just goes to show you the guilt and shame, especially in church has got to stop.
Maureen Benkovich (30:41.143)
right.
Maureen Benkovich (30:50.338)
Yes.
Yes.
Paulette Kengg (30:54.523)
And anyway, he put me in touch with a lovely lady. She's a biblical counselor, which is completely different than a Christian counselor, I learned. together for a year and a half, I worked with her. We worked through a book called The Heart of Addiction by Mark Shaw. It's a book, and then he has an accompanying workbook. And it took a year and a half. I mean, she was excellent.
She very slowly, very methodically, and for people of faith, this book will break your heart in the best possible way because I've had a relationship with God for about 35 years now. So.
Maureen Benkovich (31:35.341)
Mm.
Paulette Kengg (31:47.475)
The heart of addiction teaches that the world calls it addiction.
But from God's perspective, from a biblical perspective, it's the sin of drunkenness and idolatry.
Maureen Benkovich (32:05.824)
Yeah, because alcohol becomes your idol.
Paulette Kengg (32:06.201)
And yeah, and there's, there's just no way to sugarcoat it and try and make yourself feel better. If you're a believer in Jesus Christ, this is what the Bible says. And it's right. The Bible is never wrong. God is never wrong about anything, but that's what I needed. That's what I needed. It broke my heart. cannot, I I, I I'm surprised I'm alive. I cried so much. was so dehydrated from.
I cried, I couldn't cry anymore. Every lesson, it hurt more and more and more, but that's what I needed. One part of me, there's two parts of me. I'm very analytical. I gotta know why. And then I'm spiritual. Those two components that make Paulette who she is. So that covered the spiritual side.
Maureen Benkovich (32:45.144)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (33:03.522)
Yeah, I'm like you of those two parts. And I share a lot about my story. I struggled with infertility. I could never have children. I really kind of lost myself in becoming a party girl because I was so sad and I didn't know who I was in this world of pronatalism. And like, if you didn't have children, who were you? And what did that mean for you as a woman? So I really latched onto the identity of a drinker party girl. And I was angry with God. I stepped away from my faith.
Paulette Kengg (33:29.365)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (33:33.304)
Definitely. But fortunately, he never gave up on me. And no, and I spent a lot of years, you know, taking breaks from alcohol, going back to it, struggling with it. But it wasn't until I finally said, I can't do this anymore. You know, God, I need you. Yeah. And I'm giving it to you. That was the last day I drank. And then I went into a...
Paulette Kengg (33:38.153)
He doesn't give up on any of us, you know.
Paulette Kengg (33:51.295)
For real. Yeah.
Yes.
Maureen Benkovich (34:00.056)
coaching program which addressed the scientific side of it. So I just heard something recently on a Christian radio station I listened to that science doesn't discount God, science confirms God. You know?
Paulette Kengg (34:03.562)
Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (34:12.103)
Yes, yes. you just think God's the creator of everything, He created science and thank God we need the scientists. know? Yes.
Maureen Benkovich (34:16.482)
Yeah. Yeah.
And he created neuroplasticity and how the brain works. So when we were addressing the spiritual side and then you said, finding Annie Grace's book, This Naked Mind helped you address the scientific side. I'm certified through this naked mind. So, and I went through her coaching program myself and that's what made a difference for me because once I understood, okay, for me, not a disease, I'm not powerless.
Paulette Kengg (34:38.633)
nice.
Maureen Benkovich (34:48.77)
This is how the brain works when you drink an addictive substance, drug, all the time, and there are ways to rewire the brain. You know, exactly. So those two pieces together, same with me, spirituality as well as the scientific, where the combination that I think is so powerful as well.
Paulette Kengg (34:52.083)
Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (34:55.943)
Right, you're not a moral loser.
Paulette Kengg (35:04.297)
Right.
Right. And I did the science stuff first. I mean, that's just how my journey went. read, you know, I read her book and not only did I read her book, I did a lot of the courses and programs and things that she lists because I really wanted, you know, I did the great courses. I did a Uberman podcast, number 86, Andrew Uberman.
Maureen Benkovich (35:21.379)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (35:29.262)
Mm-hmm.
Yes. Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (35:35.861)
Episode number 86, we've got it memorized. Daniel Amon from the Amon Clinics. Yeah, I've got books by him. I just found it fascinating. And the more I learned about science and how alcohol affects the brain and body, the less guilt and shame I felt. so that's neuroplasticity is for anybody that doesn't know it's the brain is.
Maureen Benkovich (35:41.824)
Mm-hmm. I listen to him all the time.
Paulette Kengg (36:04.085)
literally capable of rewiring itself. So here's what's at the end of my journey. This is what clicked for me. I understood neuroplasticity, but I also understood, think it's in the book of Romans where the apostle Paul is talking about, why do I do the things I don't wanna do and I don't do the things I wanna do? Who will save me? A wretched man am I.
Maureen Benkovich (36:07.811)
Yes.
Maureen Benkovich (36:24.888)
Yes.
Paulette Kengg (36:32.54)
We must transform and renew our mind from the inside out. That is the spiritual answer to neuroplasticity. Boom. I mean, that was it.
Maureen Benkovich (36:37.166)
That's right.
Maureen Benkovich (36:45.954)
Yeah, same with me. And neuroplasticity works both ways, right? So if you're constantly drinking and you're linking, this helps my depression, my sleep, my anxiety, how I socialize, how I celebrate, then your brain chemistry is changing in that direction. But if you start to rewire your brain and say, well, wait a minute, this is a drug, it's addictive. I can do other things that will meet the needs of depression, anxiety, sleep, and rewire my brain in a healthy direction.
Paulette Kengg (36:55.701)
boredom, loneliness.
Paulette Kengg (37:10.911)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (37:15.2)
you were mentioning EMDR and that's one of those kind of tools that you can use. So let's talk about that.
Paulette Kengg (37:19.135)
Yeah.
Yes, EMDR, I don't remember the exact, what, electric, anyway, Google it people. Yes, EMDR, but it's a very interesting kind of therapy. They're EMDR therapists and you just basically sit in front of the therapist and she will take you,
Maureen Benkovich (37:27.81)
Yeah, something D.
Yeah, I'll come up with it. I'll put it in the show notes. Okay.
Paulette Kengg (37:51.805)
She'll ask you to remember a very specific traumatic event. And she'll, I forget how she would.
Maureen Benkovich (37:58.094)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (38:01.516)
Yeah, it's eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing. It's a psychotherapy treatment used to help individuals process and recover from traumatic experiences. I got it now. I've done it too.
Paulette Kengg (38:04.381)
Yes. Yes.
Paulette Kengg (38:10.301)
Yes, so she had my, she was doing something like this, having my eyes go back and forth while remembering this awful one of, you know, a thousand different little scenes. And I don't really understand how it works. I just know that it does work.
Maureen Benkovich (38:22.072)
Mm-hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (38:31.266)
Yeah, me too.
Paulette Kengg (38:33.141)
And another thing, one thing, one of the many therapists, I don't remember which one and I'm sorry, she was just a therapist. One of the most helpful things she said, especially because of my childhood trauma, she suggested that I find a picture of myself when I was a young child, six or seven years old, frame it and put it where I could see it. And anytime during the day,
Maureen Benkovich (38:53.934)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (39:02.569)
when I would be feeling bored, angry, lonely, tired, whatever, or just upset. When you're in the middle of recovering, you're not getting along with people, you're not thinking, you're trying, you're doing your damn best, and you're dealing with people that don't understand how hard this is. And she said, look at yourself.
Maureen Benkovich (39:17.612)
It's a transition.
Paulette Kengg (39:29.223)
and remind you, talk to yourself as a child and just say, I'm here, you're safe. Yes, what you went through was awful, but look at you now, look at where you are. You're okay. And you know how to take care of yourself. You're gonna take care of yourself. You don't have to have anybody else. You take care of yourself. And it's, you know, it sounds goofy, but when you're desperate,
Maureen Benkovich (39:57.405)
No, I love that. There's a book called Taming Your Outer Child that sort of talks about that and I love that. Yeah.
Paulette Kengg (40:01.917)
Yeah, Dr. Amen's wife, Tana Amen, she wrote a book, excellent book, The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child. Excellent book. Excellent book for someone that has trauma.
Maureen Benkovich (40:17.218)
Yeah, I could talk to you forever about all the people we could listen to and follow. you know, the great thing is Paulette mentions all of these things in her book in depth because you're analytical writer, research minded person, you looked into all these things. And you're making such an important point that a lot of my clients start to realize is, wow, it's not just about removing the alcohol. That's really just the first domino.
Paulette Kengg (40:20.127)
I know.
Maureen Benkovich (40:45.248)
It's once you remove the alcohol, looking at all the things that we used alcohol to either not feel or avoid or not process. And that's where all these other tools and rewiring our brain and listening to other people on podcasts and getting as much information as we can helps us to heal.
Paulette Kengg (41:02.493)
Yeah, and you just, the confidence you feel, the trust, I trust myself. You know, I can look in the mirror without guilt or shame. I don't have to hide. I don't have to look for the empty bottles and go to this, you know, I don't have to do any of that stuff. You know?
Maureen Benkovich (41:06.21)
Mm hmm. yeah.
Maureen Benkovich (41:12.941)
Hmm.
Maureen Benkovich (41:21.506)
Yeah, I never wake up going, man, I wish I drank, you know?
Paulette Kengg (41:25.649)
Or have to, yeah, or scroll and look and see through my phone, who did I text or FaceTime and my gosh. And I feel like I've broken the generational curse because my daughter doesn't drink. And talk about scary. I gave her a copy of the, she of course had no idea that I had, she left, she got married in her early twenties and she's been gone, grown and gone.
Maureen Benkovich (41:30.456)
Yes. Yeah, it's the worst.
Maureen Benkovich (41:39.726)
So important.
Paulette Kengg (41:55.657)
gave me two grandkids and she had no idea I was having a problem. And she thinks I hung the moon, I don't know why. And I know that. And that made it all the more difficult to humble myself and make her realize I'm not perfect, honey. I'm human. I went through hell. This happened to me.
Maureen Benkovich (42:12.633)
yeah.
Paulette Kengg (42:24.625)
I don't, you know, just don't do it. Look at what grandma, look at what happened with my dad. One of my sisters three years ago, Maureen, I didn't care. This didn't happen because the book was written. One of my sisters three years ago drank too much, fell, hit her head and bled to death. My other two sisters discovered her body two days later. You see what I mean?
Maureen Benkovich (42:47.042)
my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Maureen Benkovich (42:53.25)
Yeah, it's alcohol. I know.
Paulette Kengg (42:55.859)
And the way the alcohol industry promotes it, especially to women, really pisses me off.
Maureen Benkovich (43:02.018)
Yeah, me too, because they promote it like, you know, sex in the city, it's all empowering. This is what independent women do. And it's the most disempowering substance on the planet, I think.
Paulette Kengg (43:11.933)
Yeah, even freaking, you can't even watch Hallmark, a Christmas movie. It's a joke, like I'm five minutes in and already they're having the wine. Or reading, or even a book, just a fiction book, page three, they're already having a hangover.
Maureen Benkovich (43:15.448)
Nope, nope.
Maureen Benkovich (43:20.728)
Yeah. Or even a catalog with clothing. It's like, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. But what I love is that what you did is you allowed yourself to be spirit led and you used, you got brave and had courage and you wrote this book and you're allowing God to use your story. And I feel it's the same way with me. Like never did I ever think I'd be a coach helping people change their relationship with alcohol, let alone having a podcast, you know.
Paulette Kengg (43:41.482)
Thank you.
Paulette Kengg (43:48.092)
Right.
Listen, I'm so bad. had business cards made with the cover of the book. When I go to the grocery store, I will slip them into some of the beer, the beer and the wine containers.
Maureen Benkovich (44:01.613)
Yeah.
So many people are struggling. It's so, I think, you know, that's great. Yeah. Yeah. I still enjoy talking with you. I could go on and on because you're so interesting. Yeah. So I would encourage everybody to get this book. But Paulette, is there something you'd like to say to someone who is struggling silently, especially in the faith-based community? What would you want them to hear from you today?
Paulette Kengg (44:07.751)
You know, you never know.
Paulette Kengg (44:13.713)
I get it, I feel the same way.
Paulette Kengg (44:29.567)
I want you to contact me if you would like to, if you feel comfortable. Spiritledsobriety at gmail.com. I have a private Facebook community of the same name. We've got close to 400 members, all Christians, all struggling. And what I love about that community is there's absolutely no judgment. My community is different because we pray for each other every day.
Maureen Benkovich (44:51.726)
Mm-hmm.
Paulette Kengg (44:58.439)
If you're praying for all these people that are in your community, you can't bad mouth and pray at the same time and call your shlike. But people direct message me all the time. I've never turned anybody down. I will say I'm not trained, certified. I am none of those things. I'm just a wife.
Maureen Benkovich (45:04.622)
Right.
Paulette Kengg (45:23.711)
grandmother, mother who has been through hell, literally, literally, literally almost died. Literally, God did save me for a reason. And there's nothing anybody could tell me that would shock me. And I'm just, happy to listen to whoever I offer advice only if asked.
Maureen Benkovich (45:30.242)
Yes.
Maureen Benkovich (45:33.664)
Yep, for a reason and purpose.
Maureen Benkovich (45:40.258)
Yeah, same here.
Maureen Benkovich (45:46.542)
Yes, well that will be in the show notes. Reach out to Paula, you can get her book on Amazon. And again, it was such a pleasure talking with you.
Paulette Kengg (45:52.213)
for watching.
Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, we could talk. We could talk all day. All right. Thank you, Maureen. God bless everybody. Don't give up. Okay. Bye.
Maureen Benkovich (45:57.696)
Yeah, well, I'll look forward to staying connected with you. That's true. Thank you. God bless you too. That's right.
