Maureen Benkovich (00:01.964)
Welcome to Sober Fit Life podcast and I'm your host Maureen Bankovich. And this is my first solo episode. So bear with me. I do have notes because I have a topic that I think is really important and I don't want to miss some of the important points. And this question really rolls around a lot in people's minds when they start thinking about their drinking and wondering if they have a quote unquote problem. So the question is, well, how do you know? How do you know?
if you have a problem with alcohol. And one of the ways I used to do that was I would look for quizzes. I would look for online tests and believe me, there are a lot of them. And it would look something sort of like this. I would inevitably drink too much on the weekends. I told you all I was a binge drinker. And you know, usually the night would start out with like, I'm just gonna have two drinks.
and inevitably I would have more. And I would wake up at three or four in the morning, like heart racing, coming to awareness like, did it again, I drank too much, my heart is racing, I feel so bad about myself, I feel anxious, why am I doing this? Why do I keep doing this to myself? What is wrong with me? Do I have a problem? And I grabbed my phone and after I finished checking my texts to make sure I didn't say or do anything stupid,
I would look for a quiz because I somebody or something to console me, to reassure me or give me answers or give me guidance. And so I would find a quiz. I would usually Google, am I drinking too much or do I have a problem with drinking or the dreaded question, am I an alcoholic? So if you've ever found yourself lying in bed either the morning after feeling hungover and beating yourself up, why do I do this again?
or, you know, three and four in the morning, same thing. You feel like crap scrolling through your phone. This episode is for you. Because I used to do that all the time. And I get it. I was looking for an answer, you know, but the thing is about quizzes, it's that internal battle, right? You're looking for an answer, but you don't really want to hear, you don't really want to hear the answer that could be out there. You are looking for, it's okay, you're fine.
Maureen Benkovich (02:28.984)
keep drinking. And that is called confirmation bias. We are searching for the very answer that we want. So just to give the official definition, confirmation bias is our tendency to seek out, interpret and remember information that supports what we want to believe while ignoring or minimizing anything that challenges it. So that's what would happen. I would take this test. I would, of course,
fudge the answers, you I would downplay the number of drinks, I would leave out the blackouts, and I would ignore the mounting anxiety that was happening because I wanted the quiz to say, nope, you're good. You are not an alcoholic or you're good, you're fine. Maybe cut back a little, maybe drink some more water. That's what I would look for and I would get it. And that's called confirmation bias because I didn't want the truth. And like many of us,
We want the permission to keep drinking. And so we subconsciously tweak the input to get the output we're comfortable with. So remember that term if you find yourself taking a quiz and take a step back and go, wait a minute, let me answer this honestly. But we'll address that later on in the podcast. Because the other thing that happens after you get that answer you were looking for is then you experience something called
fading affect bias. So you were feeling really anxious, you were motivated to take the quiz, you got the answer you were looking for. And maybe a couple hours go by or days or even a week, and you kind of say, well, it wasn't that bad. You know what, I had a really hard day and that's why I drank too much and I didn't eat enough and you know, I'll drink more water. I'm being really hard on myself. mean, you know, so what?
I had some more drinks than I wanted to. That is called fading affect bias. So here's the official definition. It's a psychological phenomenon where the emotional intensity of negative memories fades faster than the positive ones. Over time, we forget how bad something felt and remember the good parts more clearly. It's actually a defense mechanism that's meant to protect our brains and it is a good defense mechanism except for when it comes to something like a drug.
Maureen Benkovich (04:54.134)
an addictive substance like alcohol because you forget how bad it felt and you only remember the good parts. You're wearing rosé colored glasses, I like to say. So in a context of going drinking, of going back to drinking, you wake up after a night of drinking feeling awful physically and emotionally and you swear those words never again, that's it, I'm done. But days or weeks later, the shame and anxiety have dulled and you're not actively feeling the hangover or the regret.
You're not actively in it, but you do remember the fun parts and the laughter and the temporary escape and the buzz and the next thing you know, you're thinking it wasn't that bad. I'll just be more careful this time. I overreacted. That's fading affect bias doing its thing. It literally helps you forget how bad it felt and nudges you right back into the same cycle. So those two things together is how we stay stuck in this drinking cycle. They feed off of each other.
Confirmation bias gets you to justify your drinking. Fading affect bias helps you forget why you want it to stop in the first place. So it's really important because understanding this isn't just about awareness, it's about breaking the cycle, the cycle that you feel stuck in. When you catch yourself romanticizing drinking or manipulating your own answers, you can now hearing this, pause and say, wait a minute, I know what's going on.
And is this actually how I feel or am I just trying to make myself feel better about a decision I already made? Right? The drinking already happened. And so are you just trying to justify it? If you can start pausing like that, that's going to be the beginning of you taking back your power. So let's go back to the question that we're asking ourselves at two and three in the morning or the next morning when we're not feeling so great because we drank too much. That question, am I an alcoholic?
It sounds really serious and dramatic and it is a serious question. But we think because we've been conditioned to think that it only applies to people who drink vodka at eight in the morning, who have alcohol in a paper bag, who can't keep their life together, who are losing their job and their families and their relationships. That's what we've been conditioned to think that only if it's that bad, do we need to reevaluate our relationship with alcohol. Otherwise, why bother? But that's...
Maureen Benkovich (07:23.214)
Not the best question. That's why it keeps us stuck. It never was the best question. The word alcoholic is actually outdated as far as a medical term. The more accurate medical description would be alcohol use disorder. And that's a large spectrum, right? It's on a whole spectrum of alcohol use. I have posted some of these graphics on my Instagram. It's a wide one. There's no one size fits all drinking problem. There's many different kinds of drinkers.
who are on this spectrum. So you can't put somebody in a box and say, they definitely have a problem. So most people I work with and the way I used to drink fall into what's called gray area drinking. So that's not rock bottom, not a tea totaler, just sort of stuck cycling, drinking more than you want to, regretting it, swearing off of it, doing it again. And that is
terrible feeling to stay stuck in that cycle. You feel out of alignment with yourself. I did. I'm like, I'm a health and fitness instructor. I try to take care of myself in every other way, but I am continually drinking something that I know is making me feel bad. I didn't really even fully understand the neurological and physiological negative impact of alcohol at that time. I just knew it was not good for me and it was making me feel worse.
you know, who am I really speaking to here? I'm speaking to all those people who are questioning their drinking silently, who are feeling bad about it, but they don't want to tell anybody. Or maybe you've shared it one or two people and they're like, you're fine, but you know, you don't feel fine. And you're not thinking status quo isn't just working for you anymore. You're wondering if you can do something differently. You know, I've worked with all kinds of drinkers. Women,
who have, who drink one glass of wine a night, because it's supposed to be healthy. And they've come to me and said, you know, I still think this is affecting my levels of anxiety and sleep and I want to change. And I've worked with people who've gone to rehab and come out and, you know, after a while thought, well, yeah, I can moderate. And they find that they can't. So I've worked with everybody on that spectrum. So you can't put people in a box, but the thing we all have in common,
Maureen Benkovich (09:48.66)
is that in their head, there's a voice that's saying, this just isn't working anymore for me. This is no longer fun for me and yet I keep doing it. So the question isn't really about how much you drink. It's about how it's making you feel. That is the question. So instead of saying, well, it's not bad enough. The question would be, could my life be better?
with less or no alcohol? And sitting with that question honestly and with curiosity, not from a place of deprivation. And that's what I help with coaching is how to get out of the deprivation mindset and into the abundance mindset. Like could my life be better? Could sleep be better? Could I feel less anxious? Maybe my gut health would get better. Maybe I'd lose the weight I've been trying to lose. Maybe I'd be more present with my family.
You know, the people that I love and most importantly of all, maybe I would show up for myself more. And all those things I've been wanting to do and dreaming about, maybe those opportunities would actually open up for me if I wasn't spending so much time thinking about drinking, feeling bad about my drinking, trying to drink less, and then beating myself up about it. I call that taking up mental real estate. The alcohol takes up so much mental real estate and everybody I work with,
And I've experienced this myself when on the other side of alcohol, and these are mostly people who completely stop, but I do have some people that do moderate, but they're like, wow, I have so much more time because I'm not thinking about drinking all the time. So that's just something to think about. But I will share with you. So I would take these quizzes, have confirmation bias, get the answer I wanted, experience fading affect bias.
do it again, feel stuck in the cycle. And it just wasn't a good feeling. And I'm like, how is this going to end? So when I was taking those quizzes, you know, all the little pop-ups on the side would be about books called Quitlit or Quit Literature. I didn't even know there was such a thing. And these are books about other people sharing their stories of I was drinking too much. You know, I was in the corporate culture. I was a big executive or I was a mom caught up in the mommy wine culture.
Maureen Benkovich (12:18.06)
And I was questioning my drinking, but everybody around me seemed not to be. And so I didn't know what to do. So this quit literature that's out there, I highly encourage you, if you're questioning your drinking, to look up quit literature, quit lit, and you'll find many, many books of other people who reevaluated their drinking for the health of it, for their mental health, for their happiness, for their physical health. Not for any label and not for any other reason, but they...
wanted to know if their life could be better. There's a whole world out there of people that are doing this. So you are not alone. So I've been thinking about this a lot, as I said, as a coach and I created my own quiz. The quiz that I wished had been around when I was taking these quizzes because what I really wanted was some guidance. I wanted some understanding. Well, who am I? How do I fit into this world of someone who wants to change their drinking but doesn't want to
go to a 12-step program and doesn't want to be labeled. How do I do this? So the quiz that I have created gives you like real-world answers, something you might hear yourself saying. And you know, you really, if you're honest with yourself, you won't wiggle your way out of it. And it's called, it's very easy, Am I Drinking Too Much? It lives at www.soberfitchic.com forward slash am I, because that's how every question starts out. Am I drinking too much?
Am I an alcoholic? Am I a person with a drinking problem? So www.soberfitchic.com forward slash AmI You just fill it out, put in your email, you'll get two things. You'll get personalized results, not shaming, not a label, just some clarity, and you'll get access to a free guide. The quiz is free, the guide is free, what is gray area drinking in more detail. And you can see for yourself.
Do you fit in there? Because you're asking the question honestly and with self-compassion and curiosity. And then I give you three science-backed strategies to reduce or interrupt your cravings. So it gives you something to start working with and being more curious about and experimenting with to help you build some confidence. So I just want you to remember that you don't have to hit some dramatic rock bottom. You don't have to label yourself. You just need to tell yourself,
Maureen Benkovich (14:44.716)
The truth. Is this working for me anymore? Is my drinking serving me? Is it in any way improving relationships, my mental health, my physical health? Is it really the best thing for my future self? Those are the questions to ask yourself honestly. Jot it down, take some time, think about it, and then choose you. You know, give yourself the gift.
of curiosity and take a mindful structured break from alcohol. I highly recommend coaching. It worked for me. That's why I became a coach to help other people reevaluate their relationship with alcohol because once I experienced the freedom from alcohol, because I learned about how alcohol is affecting me, my mental health, I learned about habit change with neuroscience.
and self-compassion, you hear me say that a lot because it's really important. I wanted to share that with others. And let me just talk about this self-compassion for a second because here's what happens all the time. And I'll start working with somebody and we'll take a structured break together. And for example, someone I'm working with right now has been doing fantastic, fabulous. She took 30 days break and at the end of 30 days, it was really hard.
to keep going. She wanted to. She wanted to continue and see, how much better could I feel? But she also thought, you know, the fading affect bias was happening. And she was like, well, I was being too hard on myself. It wasn't that bad. And she went back to drinking and the cycle started again. She felt so bad about herself. And I said, wait a minute, let's talk about this. How many years have you been drinking? I ask a lot of people this question when they come to me.
How many years have you been drinking? And typically the answer is like anywhere from 35 to 45 to 50 years. So why set yourself up with that unrealistic expectation that in 30 days you're going to master this addictive substance that you've been drinking all these years that you've tied to stress, trauma, depression, celebration, boredom, vacation, right? It's interwoven deeply into the fabric
Maureen Benkovich (17:09.794)
fabric of your life. So have patience and self-compassion and curiosity about all the ways that alcohol has become intertwined in your life and this might take some time. And that's okay, right? Because anything, this is going to sound cliche, but it's true. Anything worth having, anything that's really going to improve your life for the better, change your life, open up new opportunities for you.
does take some work is going to be a challenge. It's new. So you have to relearn some things and unlearn some other things. You have to rewire your brain and unlearn some other habits and build new ones. That takes time. Just like, you you don't wake up and go, I'm going to run a marathon and you do it in a month. I mean, some people do. They've been incredibly hurt afterwards. Right? So we want to do it.
the way that you will achieve long lasting habit change. And that is through self-compassion, curiosity, habit change tactics, working with a coach and being honest with yourself. So when you get back to that quiz, and I hope you'll take the one I've created, just take a breath before you take it and say, you know what, I'm just going to be really honest with myself. And I'm to be curious about the result. And that way,
you're actually helping yourself.
Maureen Benkovich (18:48.888)
So thank you so much for listening to my first solo episode of Sober Fit Life. And I hope you check out that quiz. And if you ever want to talk about your questioning your own relationship with alcohol, you can set up a free discovery call and we can chat, no pressure. That's not how I roll. And I'd love to help you out.
